Levity is Not Universal, Gravity Follys :: GiUB2
by Lait1
Summary: This fanfic is not dependant on the other fanfic . It is a companion entry, that shares themes from the main story: Gravity is Universal, only. You do not need to have read the other story at all to understand these skits. This is more of a collection of shorter, straght scripted stories. Though backstories and foreshadowing for the other story? That will happen.
1. Sparkling Service

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* * *

The Sparkling Service

Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Derlund are standing in a huge evidence locker. A large cardboard sign with the words "Unsolved Cases" is written on the cage door. Displayed on the shelves surrounding the walls are pictures of people directly committing theft and assault, and Large Animal bones that look like they belong to various cryptids; each bone having a sign that directly misidentifies them as cows, pigs, goats, etc.

The two lawmen are taking turns swinging at a piñata. The Sheriff Blubs is currently blindfolded taking swings at it. The rather portly black sheriff's large grey handlebar mustache shakes across his face as he takes his swings. The deputy suddenly slips, crashing to the ground.

The Lanky Pale deputy's hat flies off when one of the sheriff's swings hits it. The deputy lands on his side. Sheriff Blubs takes off his blind fold.

"Did I get it? Durlund! Are you alright?!"

"Yeah, But I landed on my funny bone." Durland says. Rubbing his arm

The old Sheriff helps the young deputy up, dusting him off after he rises.

"I'd feel terrible if something happened to you. You're light of this room."

Blubs says as he reaches for his hat. Looking inside he sees about 10 numbered slides and a miniature cassette tucked into the brim. "Durland? What are these?"

"I unno, I jus thought that all police hats have secret stuff inside of them." Durland said with a slack jawed accent.

"You gum head. We were supposed to watch these."

Durland gasps ,upset that he would call him such a harsh name.

"Aww I just can't stay mad at you. Let's watch it together." Sheriff Blubs pulls out an old slide projector and a mini cassette deck. Deputy Durland grabs a mini cassette player, in it is a cassette that says Grocery Robbers' confessions/Big Foot's Interview. He pulls out the tape and throws it behind a heavy shelf.

They Sheriff Sets up the projector, while Durland makes some popcorn.

"Here we go!" The Sheriff stated.

 _ **All slides are in Black and White.**_

The First slide appears to display a snake coiled around its own tail. Written beneath it on a banner circling around it, are the words "Delewaryland, Join or Expire."

The cassette player's speakers begin to sound.

"You should now be seeing the national snake of Delewaryland, when you hear the tone change the slide." The speaker tones.

*bing* The sheriff changes the slide.

("Stars and Stripes Forever" plays in the background.)

This Slide reads Delewaryland 1837 in an old timey font,

An announcer begins speaking inn a 1930s newscaster accent.

Announcer: "Delewaryland 1838, Super Governor and President of those United States, Sir Lord Quintin Trembley the III, Esq., The man responsible for passing the creation of this very common wealth by the supreme court arrives today, alongside the recently acquired First Lady, Pearl Gem-Trembley, to sign a document into law…"

*bing*

The Next slide is a picture of Pearl helping Trembley out of a gilded carriage. She has a frown on her face.

Quintin Trembley is a very tall, thin head, with a long pointed noise, and keeps his light brown hair in a relatively simple haircut; his sideburns flowing into his very distinct almost mutton chop-like facial hair. A small pair of spectacles rest atop his nose. He wears a fairly normal suit with a mustard yellow bowtie, popped collar, and bronze buttons. His lower half is obscured by pearl as he steps out of the carriage.

Announcer: "A dashing figure well known for the establishment of The Sparkling Service, a set of elite bodyguards employed for the Super Governor's protection. But far far better known for its controversial members,for not only is each member a different hue.."

*bing*

Announcer: "But they are all women as well!"

This slide shows all four of the original crystal gem's wearing the "old timey" tallest Gem Rose has large curly hair, wears a white scarf, a vest over with a belt strapped around her shoulder, and a large white frilly dress.

Close to Rose's height; Garnet is wearing a large tri-corner hat that sits atop her afro, white round glasses, leather gloves, a short jacket with a cummerbund, puffy black pants and boots.

Pearl's hair has two curls on each side of her head and a ponytail tied in a ribbon. She has a large round elliptical stone embedded in her for head. She is wearing a simple two piece dress with long sleeves and women's dress shoes.

Amethyst has long hair and is wearing a naval officer's jacket and a soldier's hat.

Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl are standing in the foreground. Rose is holding Quintin in her arms, leaping toward the camera. There is an explosion in the background.

*bing*

The next slide is a picture of Quintin and Pearl standing under an Archway both staring at the camera. Pearl is grimacing as Quintin holds a pitchfork in his right hand. They are

Announcer: "And one of them is actually the First Lady!"

*bing*

A picture of a parchment that has words "The Act of No Explanation" written at the top. The parchment is shiny and has many jewels inlaid into it. "

Announcer: "He has returned to sign into Law the highly controversial "Act of No Explanation" Which is signed on a document so expensive that if the country ever tries to remove it, it will devastate these united states' intrinsic value! This document clearly states four things: First, the government cannot interfere in any occurrence that can't be explained with rational thinking or believability. Secondly, the act states that any such information cannot be reposted outside of these united states. And even more oddly, all traces of laws revoked must be completely and entirely destroyed, documents and all. And finally, it's now a federal offense, producing, owning ,or importing any form of paraphernalia or any image similar too a triangle encompassing an eye."

*Bing*

The next slide has a picture of Quintin Trembley at a podium making speech. Pearl is staring at a pocket watch.

Quintin: "My Service has advised that, that image which will not be shown will only tie us to the past, and only increase paranoia and secrecy amongst ourselves. No government based on freedom should ever keep secrets from its citizens.I refuse to make my service secret, choosing instead to make it sparkling! That Image is window that allows."

A large chunk on the track has been cut out.

Announcer: "The Both Super Governor of these United States and President of those united States has just signed the bill into law."

*Bing*

A loud crash is heard.

Announcer: "Oh no it seems that some kind of Giant Arachnid has appeared and is attacking the first lady! Oh where is the rest of the Sparkling Service? Mayhaps powdering there noses? Quintin has charged the beast with his podium, but he was quickly routed!" A loud poof can clearly be heard.

This slide shows a huge creature walking upon eight arms with Long Curling hair, Thick Sun Glasses, and a large gaping mouth with large pointed teeth. Quintin grabs the podium as one of the creatures' arm wraps around a smiling Pearl.

*Bing*

These slide shows, Quintin Trembley with his podium slammed over and around his upper body, He's only wearing pantaloons. The giant creature can be seen with Pearl's two piece dress hanging from its mouth.

Announcer: "Oh No! The First Lady has just been devoured by a giant man eating spider! Who knows how this will affect the President and his upcoming State of the Union speech."

Quintin: "Fear not! My wife and I divorced recently and simply chose to share this information with a bit of dramatic flair! Honestly, that was a lot scarier than I thought it would be, Giant Spiders are a terrifying prospect...With the signing of this act, I hereby relinquish my duties to the Governor until my return! Let Freedom's Resonate!"

The tape ends.

"That Monster was so scary" Durland said holding onto the Sheriff.

"I know, good thing nothing like that will ever lurk around here." The Sherriff states.

* * *

Ceaser 3 steps back.

Remember the Government loves this world so much. It only want to protect you.


	2. Fixin'it with Soos and Pearl P1

**Fixin' it with Soos _and Pearl_**

 **Part 1**

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 **Udwh, frpphqw, vxevfuleh, dqg uhphpehu wr gulqn brxu Rydowlqh.**

 **Vrrv lv wkh ? diwhu doo.**

* * *

Ronaldo walks up to his computer monitor, his reflection being cast into the screen as he sits down.

Ronaldo: Alright, It's time to update the blog. It's time to keep Beach City weird!

He turns on the monitor and opens up his net browser, A few random keystrokes later he jumps to his blog and checks his messages.

Ronaldo: Oh Wow, Steven sent me a message.

Steven (Voice Over): "Hey Ronaldo, me and my friends were in a Tubetube video, give it a watch =D. Also the Producer asks you nicely rate, comment, subscribe."

Ronaldo: Better respond or he won't post here anymore. Oh, the responsibility of promoting is unending.

The video opens and we see Soos sitting in his room talking to the camera. We can see him talking Melody on his screen. The web cam is viewed from the side facing Soos, away from the camera He precedes, to turn to the camera

Soos: Hold on minute Melody. I Gotta shoot something real quick. Hey dawgs! So yeah, Uh Part one kept getting taken down. Heh, who knew the guys from _Danger Lane to Highway Tow_ n would send me a takedown notice, I mean that songs like 30 years old am I right? I had to strip the audio, take out the song and put the audio back in then recompile the video. Unfortunately the audio got corrupted on a few parts but it's still good for the most part. I'd also like to apologize for the slightly staticy video in this episode. Amethyst kept dropping the camera. We got it fixed, but there still is a bit of distortion during the outsidey parts.

Melody: Who's Amethyst?

Soos: Oh, She's a girl who lets me put my stuff on top of her. Speaking of which, How you doing down there?

Melody: Excuse me?

Camera pulls out and we purple out to see a purple nightstand with Amethyst's face. We see a phone, a Walky-talky, a bag of burrito bites and a set of keys on top of it. Amethyst shakes causing the snacks to fall into her mouth.

Amethyst (with food in her mouth): It's a living

Melody: Soos, I just heard a women's voice in your room.

Soos: Yeah that's Amethyst she's here right now, holding my junk.

Melody leers at Soos.

Melody: What?

Soos: Oh it's cool though; she's actually more of an object then a girl, Really .

Melody face turns red with anger gets

Melody: WHAT!?

Soos: Uh oh, I think I just made this more infinitely more complicated, cue intro!

Fixin'it with Soos intro cues. ( www . youtube watch?v=jzufO5n9fb8) You can hear Melody screaming at Soos in the background while Soos frantically apologizes. Amethyst is laughing.

Cut to Soos's Breakroom, Soos walks up to a glittering pink desk and rests his hand on it.

Soos: Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of Fixin'it with Soos! The show where I always forget what I just painted.

Soos rubs his eye with his painted hand, leaving a big pink mark over his eyes.

Soos: EVERYTHING IS SPARKLY!

* * *

The video jump cuts to the Exterior of the Mystery Shack.

Soos (Voice Over): The "S" on the Mystery Shack always seems to fall off. I used every trick in the fixer's book. Nails (it falls over). Screws (it falls over), nuts and bolts (it falls over), glue (it falls over), even Peanut Butter and bubblegum (It Stays on! but then an owl lands on it, and it falls over). But nothing worked. (Soos sighs) Disheartened, I turned to the one place I always go to get encouragement, The Internet. I uploaded the video and waited. Then, amidst the hundreds of comments telling me that I was fat, I found a comment that wasn't about me being fat. It was from a PearlCrystalGem. She said that she knew how to fix it! I asked her if she would aid me, and she agreed!

Video jump cuts to Soos with his face covered in a lot more of pink glittery smears. "

Soos: I'll post the dialogue between me and Pearl now.

Soos holds a piece paper up to camera. Printed on the front is a screen capture from Tube tube. PearlCrystalGem's avatar is a picture of pearl's head grimacing, Fixinit1's avatar is a screwdriver and wrench laying over a Green Question Mark the Screen capture reads the following:

 _PearlCrystalGem: Human's stupidity never ceases to bewilder me. What he needs be do is SO painfully obvious_

 _Fixint1: Really? What should I do?_

 _PearlCrystalGem: It's just so complicated, that a creature like you could possibly comprehend it._

 _Fixinit1: Well then, why don't you come on down here and show me what to do then smarty?_

 _PearlCrystalGem: Okay I will, I have business down there anyway._

 _Fixinit1: Well, Great I hope to see you soon!_

 _RedRobinNightwingGo: Your Fat. (No Avatar)_

Pearl snatches the piece paper from and reads over it.

Pearl: This isn't from me. I didn't write this; I've never even been to this site.

Amethyst (off Screen): I have!

Pearl Leers at the Camera. Soos's next line happened during the dialogue between Pearl and Amethyst.

Soos: Aw man, now I got pink eye. *clears throat* Today is not only Fixin'it with Soos's very first two-parter *trumpet blares do dodo do!*, but we have our very first special guest Fixer as well! *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* and it's a crossover special on top of that!*trumpet blares do dodo doo!* we also have a sound guy. *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* and a camera lady *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* AND or first viewer mail bag *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

The Camera pans over to Steven holding the beetles of heaven and earth in their plastic terrarium. The beetles are moving around while inside it, frequently scurrying around. Steven is sitting on the large white "L" shaped couch in Soos's break room, alongside Pearl, Mabel, Dipper and Connie. Dipper is reading a Magazine while messing with his cap. Pearl keeps staring directly into the camera. Mabel is wearing a magenta swearer with trumpet on the front of it. Mabel pokes the trumpet and it plays the same midi tune "*trumpet blares do dodo doo!*" .

Soos: So let's go around Introduce everybody.

Soos points at every person he mentions, and announces in a voice filled with excitement.

Soos: First up, we have Pearl Crystal Gem *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*. She's here on business, investigating the Big Annual Gravity Falls Dim Sum Boil.

* * *

Jump Cut to the hulking red Manly Dan and the skinny Tyler inside a vendor booth, which is outside the biker bar Skull Fracture. The booth's banner reads "Skull Fracture's Dim Sum Skull Fractures" with a picture of a skull Shaped dumpling on both sides. People are gathering around the booth.

Manly Dan (Screams!): **COME AND!**

The People scatter, running away in fear screaming from the booth. Tyler is holding a large wet dripping basket filled with skull dumplings.

Tyler (looking left then right): Get 'em Get 'em!

The Video Jumps back to the room.

Pearl: Actually my name is Pearl *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*. I'm a member of the Crystal Gems *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*. We are guardians of planet Earth and humanity*trumpet blares do dodo doo!*. Please stop doing that.

Mabel: Aww, but all of you deserve only the most triumphant of introductions.

Mabel pulls out a sticker and puts it on the end pf Pearl's nose. With a slightly annoyed face Pearl looks at he camera. The sticker is a picture of a T-bone steak with sunglasses and a smile. In big red letters, the words "NICE TO MEAT YOU." can be clearly seen.

Mabel: WHOMP.

Pearl: We are here to investigate and treat a dimensional boil.

Pearl peals off the sticker as she, Holoprojects two parallel lines in front every one off center the camera. A small yellow dot then appears between them. Soos pulls out a bag of Burrito bites from behind the couch, opens it, and pops a few in his mouth. He leaves the bag open, allowing any character to take from them. Everyone except Pearl does. Amethyst sets the camera down and grabs a huge handful and walks back picking the camera back up. As the camera lays on the ground. We can see several white bags of Burrito Bites tucked underneath the couch and the edge of a red box behind them.

Soos/Dipper/Mabel/Connie: Whoa….

Pearl: A massive buildup of energy trapped in-between the fabric of realities If left unchecked…

The yellow dot swells bigger and bigger causing to the two lines to arch outward. Soos puts his finger one of the lines. His hand passes through the projection as the line touched splits. The yellow dot flows into the lines breach, out the other side as it expands.

Pearl: …the energy will cause a tear in the fabric of reality. This tear will then keep expanding until the entire world, solar system, galaxy, and then the universe are torn apart! This is normally a symptom of a malfunctioning warp pads expelling excess energy in between the walls of reality and space. What a boil would be doing all the way out here though, I haven't the slightest idea.

Stan (off screen): What? I don't know anything about that. It sounds like a real mystery. Uh… coming valued customer! Footsteps!

Soos: Tell you what Perils.

Pearl: Pearl

Soos: Pearl right, you help me fix the "S", and then I'll help you with the boil thing. You help me; I help you. Sound good?

Pearl: …..Thank you but no. The dimensional boil is problem is far to…. advanced for someone with your…..Capacities….

Pearl makes an uncomfortable smile.

Pearl: Right now Garnet is scouring the area looking for any spatial distortions. Really, I should be helping her

Garnet walks into frame from the door, stopping as she stands in between Pearl and Mabel. She looks at the camera.

Garnet: Hello my name is Garnet,

She turns pushing the Trumpet on Mabel's sweater with her right hand.

Garnet: *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* and I'm the spatial surveyor of the Boil Project. The Beetles of Heaven and Earth reacted to the build-up of extra dimensional energy around this area. I must begin the task of thoroughly checking every single point of space within a 10 meter radius of them. It will take at least 36 hours, which is why I had to pay $800 for lodging here.

* * *

Audible footsteps can be heard as the camera shakes back and forth. Then it turns to a door that reads "employees only". The Door is opened. We Stan Counting purple money. The Camera centers on 2 Donuts resting on a plate. One of them is covered in chocolate.

Stan: 601, 602, 604, 607, I wonder why these are all singles? You'd think there would be at least a few 20's in here. 610, 611, 614, 616, 617…619? Aragh! These Currency denominations are screwing up my counting rhythm. This almost makes counting money not fun anymore *he pauses*  
ALMOST! 620, 622,623,626…... hmmm I wonder what the exchange rate on these babies is?

Stan raises the dollar bill above his head. A purple hand reaches out and grabs the plate of donut. Then the camera Quickly 180 degrees, as Amethyst runs away. The camera remains centered on the purple hand clasping donut the whole time. The hand draws back.

Stan (screams): HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU PURPLE SNAKE!

Amethyst: HAAHAHHAHA Raaahmp *lips smack as she eats a donut*

* * *

Quick Cut Back to the break room.

Garnet: Pearl, grant the humans your aid. Our search will be more reliable if only one of us does it, and I need as few distractions as possible. It's not a joke; it's an Order, and yes help Soos. Specifically.

Pearl: But…fine.

Soos: $800? How did you get so much money?

Garnet: Welll…I

Audio Track cuts out to random distortion. Garnet Start making Large Hand Gestures and waving her body around. She shakes her butt, then beds over completely looking square at the camera. She stands back up then pop and locks. Audio returns to normal.

Garnet:…But it's pretty unstable.

Soos: Wow I had no idea you could make so much money doing that. Would you like some….

Soos reaches behind the couch.

Garnet and Soos say at the same time. Soos pulls out a box.

Garnet: No. I don't want any Burrito Bites.

Soos: Chipackerz!.

Soos pulls out a box of Chipackerz and hands it

Soos: The Chip flavored Cracker. They're like a snack that is like two things, together like one.

Garnet takes the Box and Walks off screen.

Garnet (in the distance): Why can't I read this guy.

Soos: Here we have problem-holders slash my shadowing Fixiteer appetizers, Steven *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* and Connie. *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

Connie: Apprentices. We are going to be shadowing you. I told my parents that this was going to be an apprenticeship. It's the only excuse I could use to get away and hang out here. I was a little worried when that old guy charged my parents for the experience though.

Steven swings his arm once smiling

Steven: We're going be following in your footsteps!

Pearl cringes. Garnet returns to the room and pushes Mabel's trumpet sweater with her left hand.

Pearl: What's a Fixiteer?

Dipper (disinterested): Something Soos made up on the spot; just roll with it.

Pearl:ooookaaaaay…..

Soos: And over here we have returning Fixiteer Dipper, *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

Dipper: Yup *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* Glad to help. *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* Mabel stop doing that *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* seriously it's annoying *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* STOP IT! *trumpet blares do dodo doo!**trumpet blares do dodo doo!**trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

Amethyst: Hey, let me try!

The Camera falls to the side as we see Amethyst runs forward towards Mabel. It crashes to the ground as the screen cuts to darkness, then to a still image of Soos in his karate gi, holding a poorly photo-shopped in hammer with a picture of the world exploding behind him.

Soos: DUDE NO!

Pearl: Amethyst, don't just throw that down like that.

*trumpet blares do dodo doo!* *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* *trumpet blares do dodo doo!* it continues.

Mabel: hehehe that tickles.

Pearl: Amethyst, that's enough!

Amethyst: *sigh* fine. *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

Soos: Noooo! Not Cam Cam! NOO! I spent $400 on him. NO! That's my full month's Salary. NO!

Pearl: Relax; I'll repair the image capturing device. Just stop screaming no.

Soos: OKAAAY! Well the show must go on. Finally Last and Certainly Not Least, I know her, We all love her. Mabel, Of Mabel Guide too dot dot dot!

Greg: I think that's an Elipsese Soos.

Soos: Thank sound Greg!

Mabel: are you going to be playing the theme song right now?

Soos: That's the plan.

Maybel: Good because this conversation is supposed to be completely dubbed over.

Soos: Agreed.

Steven: Why are they talking like that?

Connie: They're pretending to have conversation. Its so that during editing something will be played over so it looks like we are having a deep conversation. When in fact we are just pretending Kind of like an Illusion.

Steven: I see…

Connie: it's stage magic!

Dipper: (paper crinkles in the background) Wow, you're pretty knowledgeable. First time I sat here, I couldn't figure what he was doing.

Connie: uhh…Thank you.

Steven: That's our Connie. She's super smart and full of heart.

Pearl: and that should do it.

Video Cuts back to a Close up of Pearls eye, as she backs away, more, and more of the break room comes into shot. She walks back to the couch.

Soos: Wow you fixed it! I didn't think you could fix a machine so complexity. I'm So Sorry.

Pearl: It's just a human machine; all that happened was a wire disconnected and the case cracked. Why?

Soos faces pearl. He drops to both knees and looks up at her.

Soos: I know I seemed Cordial during our dialogue, but in my heart of Hearts I doubted your Fix it Prowess. I see now that you have ascended to the highest plains of fixitidness; Transcending my Own! I bow to you. Please forgive me for my Hubris. Please, Take me on as your Asparagus.

Pearl: Asparagus? You're not a Vegetable.

Connie: I think he means Apprentice.

Pearl: I see… Very well, I…. accept your apology. But at your current level of… fixitidness… I cannot see you as worthy enough for my tuberlage. May you continue to hone the forces of Fixittitidy within your being? Now rise, and face the battle head on! *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

Pearl bends over and presses Mabel's trumpet sweater. Soos looks up with Squares of hope in his eyes. He jumps to his feet.

Amethyst: Nerds!

Pearl looks over to Dipper.

Pearl: So… did I "roll" with it correctly?

Dipper: I said Roll with it, not feed into it.

Soos: My heart burns like brightest of stars! The Fix'it potential within this room is just so staggeringly overwhelming! My Spirit and mind are truly in sync! I believe now with an unwavering resolve that signs problem-having ness will be resolved! Steven! Connie!

Soos points to Steven and Connie. They stand up.

Steven and Connie: Yes Sir?!

Soos: Come my pretentious ship! There is no time to lose. *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

Soos: Everybody, let's Rocket!

Soos:AAAAAHHHHH!

Soos runs out of the room. Everyone else looks at each other, they shrug. Amethyst drops the camera. Then runs everyone runs out of the room, Followed by Greg carrying a boom Mic. The camera keeps running.

Steven, Connie, Mabel, Dipper, Amethyst: AHHHHHH! *trumpet blares do dodo doo!*

Greg: Guys, Wait up! It's hard to run with a boom mic!

No movement occurs for 40 seconds. The room remains completely silent through the following exchange. Completely tied up, Peridot is pushed into the room with a gag over her mouth. Stanly brother walks in with his gun drawn. He looks over to the camera picks it up and sets it in the hallway. The video ends.

* * *

Ceaser 3 back

FORESHADOWING!?

Rate, comment, subscribe, and remember to drink your Ovaltine.

Soos is the ? after all.


	3. Fixin'it with Soos and Pearl P2

**Fixin' it with Soos _and Pearl_**

 **Part 2**

 **Ila d Odswrs? Bhv, Kh fdq!**

 **Lw dozdbv Vhdpv vr pxfk vlpsohu lq brxu khdg...**

 ** _D frxqwgrzq vwduwlqj,  
wlo gdbv ri Grrp  
Zdv wkhuh vrphwklqj Vshfldo.  
Derxw wkdw Urrp?_**

 **Hail three Cesar! Anyway reading Cross-overs is a lot like being at a party; if you don't know most of the people attending it can be awkward. So sit up, enjoy, and have atbash!**

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Xlfow gsvb ylgs yv dirggvm rm gsv hznv slfi?_**

 **End of Video counts down start of the next vid.**

* * *

Ronaldo: Was….that a Snake Person? It looked like a cobra! Duude, there is some real conspiracy stuff here! I got to see the next part.

Video opens to Soos sitting in front of his computer desk tapping his desk. The picture of a phone ringing with the word Melody beneath it can be seen on the screen.

Soos: Come on, Melody, pick up, pick up. Sorry dude's the distortion was in this part not the last….one. What are you doing my with camera?

Amethyst (Off Screen): Just setting ya up for the next part.

Soos: Oh thank you. Part 2's coming up!

Amethyst (Off Screen): Hey Soos. What do you think of my new Outfit?

Melody accepts the call.

Melody: Soos I apologize, I'm sure it was just a mi…

Soos: I like the black top. Not so sure about the grey legs though. You should change into….

Melody: Oh so she's CHANGING IN FRONT OF YOU!? I didn't realize that you to had reached THAT level!

Her picture disappears from the monitor as she hangs up.

Soos: Wait, Melody, it's not what you…periwinkle.

Soos: I got to sort this out. Here's Part 2.

Amethyst: Setup Completed…Ahhahah!

* * *

Fixinit with Soos! Intro plays. (www . youtube watch?v=jzufO5n9fb8) After the intro there is a flash wipe to the roof of the Mystery Shack. Soos is talking with the camera, which is placed to see the side of the sign facing its missing S letter. Mabel, Dipper, Connie and Steven are standing in the foreground. Pearl's head can be seen behind the sign. The Sound of a power Drill Revving can be heard starting and stopping at regular intervals. Every time the Drill starts Lots of static fills the screen until the drill stops the screen immediately clears.

Mabel: Today on the super spectacular cross-over spectacular *trumpet blares do dodo douu!* When S,P, and We repair the S, we will be rated on the awesomemometer by Us. Also, a surprise for our two very special visitors. But that's a secret. Wiiink.

Soos: Oh, The Miasma of Trouble havedness *Drill starts* is palpable at this zenith of confrontation! Oh no, a Giant Flying Bat! *Drill Stops*

Pearl and Steven: WHERE!?

Dipper: Ehh…They only eat fruit.

Steven looks around Pearl starts frantically looking around. A cartoony bat is flying on the screen. Poorly red, green, and blue lasers shoot from Steven's, Connie's and Pearl's eyes. The bat blows up.

Pearl: Where's the bat? Is it invisible?

She pulls out her spear.

Amethyst and Steven: I don't see it.

Connie: I think it's just another effect.

Soos (Whispers): I'll show you guys later.

Two weapons desummon making a dong sounds.

Soos: Wow, you guys handled that with power and swiftness.

Soos: Hello everyone, I'm Soos and welcome back to Fixin'it with….Sooos? *Trumpet blares do dodo dooooooooewwewwwwwe…*

Mabel: Sweater down. Sweater Doooown ! Sweater DOOOOOWWW!

Mabel runs to the shack ladder but slips off the side of the roof.

Dipper, Steven, and Connie: MABEL!

Greg (offscreen): Are you okay kid!?

Camera quickly darts forward, followed by falling to the ground. Camera pans up from the Ground going to Garnet's leading up her body. The Camera stops, centering on her Afro as it starts shaking. Greg and Steven can be seen looking off the roof a Mabel's head and arms pop out. Garnet puts both hands in her afro activating the sweater.

Mabel: The Mabel has landed! *Trumpet blares do dodo dooo*,

She begins lifting Mabel out."

Mabel: Hold on, I'm stuck. eeeh rah. Give me a sec….Wow this thing is so soft and springy, Drill Starts*

Camera looks off into the woods covered in static. The camera pans to rustling bushes centering.

Mabel: Aaaand Done!

Camera turns back to see Garnet with her afro tied up into two long, drooping pillars with scrunches, Mabel is sitting between them.

Mabel: I was saved by Hare!

Amethyst (off screen): hahaha Hey Garnet, How's it hopping?

Garnet sets Mabel back down. She runs over to the camera, and pulls a card out of her pocket.

Mabel hands Amethyst a card that has popsicle-sticks glued to its boarder. It Reads Mabel Pines, a long list of professions; Hair Topiary Expert and Camera Mabel being the easiest to read!

Amethyst: Here kid take the camera, I'm gonna do something else. You're the Camera Man now.

Camera pulls 180 degree turn centering on Amethyst walking away waving her arm.

Mabel: Camera Mabel!*Trumpet blares do dodo dooo!*

Amethyst: Riiight, Camera Mabel. See ya.

Mabel: Away! *Trumpet blares do dodo*

Mabel runs about 15 steps, passing Garnet to see Steven looking up standing in front of the Mystery Shacks porch. Pearl is holding the "S" while both Dipper and Connie are crouched on opposite sides her.

Mabel: What's on the down low?

Steven: P, asked me to tell her if the sign looks okay.

Mabel: P! That's hilarious. HahaHA

Pearl: Steven, How does it look?

Steven: Really good.

Pearl: Now both of you do what I explained, and Soos start the drill when Connie's ready.

Soos: You got it, P!

Pearl (Deadpan): Don't call me, P.

Connie: Ready.

Soos starts the drill. The camera gets really staticy. When the drill stops, both Connie and Dipper have traded places.

Soos: Jump Cut!

* * *

Soo's shot from the waist up, shirtless, the bottom of his stomach wrapped in white cloth. He's wearing a black trench coat with flames all around the waist, and sunglasses. _He slams his chest with his fist, as he screams the following with conviction "I'm gonna to show them how to fixn' it all; in the real way! RAAA!" Then he rubs spot where he slammed his chest "ow that hurt. A lot More than I thought it would." He walks off the screen._ Scene cuts to Dipper, Soos and Pearl are standing in front of the mystery sign.

* * *

Soos: So tell me and the viewers at home what you did to fix it. Pearl

Pearl: Very well, if you noticed on the letter that there were only two mounting points at the top and bottom. So I created 3 additional mounting points on the letter's middle curve, than mounted sign with bolds I created.

Pearl summons a large metal bolt and grasps it.

Soos: Your fixit powers are truly an experience to behold. My entire soul is in awe of your majesty.

Pearl *blushes smiling*: Oh, Thank you. I mean everyone helped too. Even you.

Garnet: Hold the bolt in the air.

Pearl: Why?

Garnet: Just Do it!

Pearl: Okay…

Pearl stares forward holding the bolt in the air. A cheesy lens flare is applied to it. When the Effect ends, The S falls down.

Dipper: What happened?

Pearl: This material must be too soft to be mounted…excuse me..

* * *

The star wipe from Steven Universe closes in on pearl as she walks off the screen. The star stops at the side Pearl walked off, the star then goes over to Soos staring at the Camera.

Soos: Oh! Uh…hello new friend! What is your name?

The Star widens to bring Dipper into view, it makes the Baloo sound when it opens or closes. Dipper stares at

Dipper: You know who I am. Are you okay?

Soos: Baloo? It's nice to meet you Balooo, I'm Soos and this is Dipper

Dipper: Who are you talking too?

Soos: Dipper, meet Balooo. He's a little TV star.

Dipper: Soos, nobody is there.

Soos: Don't say that, sure he's small now but someday he could be HUGE!

The Star Grow bigger. Dipper's face turns red as he gets frustrated

Dipper: SOOS THAT'S ENOUGH! THERE IS NOTHING THERE! STOP TALKING TO THINGS THAT DON'T EXIST! IT'S CREEPY!

Baloo starts shrinking

Soos: No dude, come back he doesn't know what he said!

Baloo, shrinks back to nothing with a pop. The screen goes completely black.

Soos: When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.

Dipper: I'm going down stairs. Do you want anything?

Soos: The Pitt.

Dipper: Okay I'll get you a "the" PiIIIIiiiiiiiAAAAH!

* * *

Hard cut to Mabel giving Waddles the pig a sock as he eats it. A large explosion of bubbles slowly floods the area as she talks.

Mabel: and that was Mabel's guide to Laundry, remember when you lose a sock you'll never find the other one, so just get rid of it!

Intro song Mabel's guide to life plays ( watch?v=L12DItXOqrE), the first sign says Geology, Camera closes in on glittery white crystal being held by metal tongs. The camera zooms out and shows that Mabel is holding a grain of Salt with tweezers. The sign after that reads jewelry. Mabel is seen hot gluing a rock to a Stan's gold necklace. The Following sign says Cooking, Mabel, wearing a chef's hat, serves two Omelets to Greg and Amethyst. Amethyst dumps hers into her mouth. After one bite, Greg starts scratches his neck as he grows welts all over his neck. He swells up, and falls over to the side having a seizure. Amethyst reaches over and swallows the other omelet.

Mabel: Mabel's guide to interior Design! We see Mabel sitting in her room on her bed. The walls are covered in a jumbled mess of interlocking pictures; She's wearing a red and blue colored sweater with the picture "Rubin's Vase" sewn into it. ( wiki/Rubin_vase).

Mabel: Hello and welcome to the second half of the cross-over spectacular! As you can clearly see when It comes to interior design, I'm number 1.

She shows the camera a picture of white wall with pink and blue crayon marks swirled in a chaotic mess. A 3 year old Mabel is pointing at a 3 year old Dipper while holding both a pink and blue crayon in one hand.

Mabel: Even from young age I had always had a knack for interior design. But don't let my accolades, fool you. I'm always open to criticism and am never afraid to share the credit. So when…

Hard Edit. The Camera cuts to Mabel and Steven holding the terrarium with the beetles of heaven and earth, standing foreground in the middle of the Gift Shop, Connie is standing under the ladder looking upward. Pearl is seen running off through the window in the background. A large white egg can be seen moving in the window at the left side. Stan is counting money at the register.

Steven: The Beetle of Heaven used to have his own house, a much larger prettier home. Now he's confined to such a small space with a roommate.

Mabel: They look so sad.

They just look like bejeweled beetles crawling around. The sound of footsteps can be heard from the ceiling.

Mabel: Don't worry Steven. It's amazing how a new design can bring new life into someone.

Dipper: PiIIIIiiiiiiiAAAAH!

Connie: !

Dipper falls from the ladder hole, crashing on top of Connie. Connie stares up at Dipper eyes. As she blushes; her nose starts bleed. Steven and Mabel run up to them.

Steven: Connie!

Mabel: Are you okay!?

Stan: Please don't Sue!

Dipper quickly stands up. His face beet red as he helps her to her feet

Dipper: Oh man, I'm so sorry!

Connie: It's alright

Steven: Connie, you're bleeding.

Steven runs up and kisses her on the nose. Blood drips over her dress, as it continues to bleed. Dipper takes Connie by the hand.

Dipper: Are you crazy, you might give her an infection! We have to wash the area off now.

Connie: It's all over my dress, if my parents see this they'll flip.

Stan: Mabel, get something for her to wear, I've got evidence clean, I mean evidence to launder, I mean…..just get her a sweater.

The bloodstain on Connie's dress forms the shape of a heart with blood dripping off of it. Dipper leads Connie off screen followed by Stan and Mabel. Steven just stares at them, as he then looks toward the screen.

Steven: Dad, What should I do?

Greg: Go, get a bag and put some ice in it. It will help reduce swelling and slow the blood flow.

Steven Runs to his Backpack (off screen), comes back later holding a plastic bag.

Steven: I checked the kitchen, they only have Five cubes, is that going to be enough?

Greg:No Offense to Connie, but she has a pretty big nose kiddo. A couple more wouldn't hurt.

Steven Runs off again, and then comes back.

Steven: I found another one hidden in the back!

* * *

Hard cut, Camera jumps to the Mystery Shack Kitchen. Steven hands Connie the ice bag she puts it on her face. She's wearing a teal Sweater with a yellow puzzle piece sewn into it. Dipper places a jar on the open window sill above the sink with the two beetles scurrying around. Mabel sits at the table bedazzling cardboard. Soos walks into frame carrying a container of glitter much larger than the terrarium itself.

Soos: Need any more glitter?

Mabel stares at Soos, offended by this question.

Soos: I'll… get more glitter.

When Soos walks away we can see a small hand reach up and swaps the jar With another Jar with two beetles with gems on the back.

Mabel picks up the glitter and dumps all of it into the terrarium; A Swath of glitter fills the kitchen. Everything and everyone is coated only eyes and teeth can be seen. Soos walks in with another barrel of glitter.

Soos: THE EYES AND GNASHING OF TEETH!

Jump cut to Mabel sitting in the TV room with the terrarium, it has track lighting and in the center the cardboard structure has multiple levels and window crudely cut into it.

Mabel: Wow everyone your contributions really helped pull this thing together. HIT THE LIGHTS!

Connie hits the lights. It still looks exactly the same. Pearl walks by the door holding a blue tub with red gems darting out the side.

Pearl: I need some assistance.

* * *

Hard Cut to a Soos a profile of Soos head closing in on the camera and falling back. (the batman transition). Soos is setting the camera on something. The Camera is angled so you can see the side yard with the Totem Pole. Pearl is applying a shimmering white paste to the back of White Paste to the letter's back. She picks it up and carries it to the Signboard and sticks the Letter to it.

Pearl: Soos, come here and hold this for a bit.

Soos walk's over and puts both his hands on the letter. Pearl releases giving Soos more room. Then steps off camera.

Soos: So what is that stuff?

Pearl: It's a molecular catalyst. It encourages substances to bond at the molecular level.

Soos: Sounds Covalent!

Pearl: That's right, and all you need to do is hold this in place for a scant sixteen hours the bonds will be finalized. It won't be able to fall again.

Soos: sixteen hours? But I got to work my shift.

Soos: Can cover for me? I can't clean, organize, and fix things while I'm holding this.

Pearl: oh, I was hoping someone would ask me to clean! I'll happily assist.

Stan (off camera): Soos! Get down here! I need you! The Toilet's backed up and the bathrooms a mess.

Pearl Jumps off the roof as Garnet's Fro begins to slowly creep in on the bottom screen. The sound of the shack door opening and closing can be heard.

Pearl (off Camera, distant sound): Soos asked me to fulfil his responsibilities.

Stan (off Camera, distant sound): Can you fix a toilet?

Pearl (off Camera, distant sound): It's a human machine, how hard could it be.

Stan (off Camera, distant sound): Good enough for me. Here put this on.

Pearl (off Camera, distant sound): It's a little big don't you think?

Soos: I think my arms are starting to go numb.

Stan (off Camera, distant sound): One size fits all. Follow me.

About 10 seconds pass. Followed by quick footsteps, pearl wearing huge green T-shirt runs out into the yard.

Pearl (off Camera, distant sound): NONONONONO.

A door slams. Pearl side flips onto the roof, landing next to Soos. The huge Green T-shirt has what appeared to be a large "!" mark on the front of it. This is only because of how the shirt is hanging on her slim body. The look of fear fills her eyes as she pushes Soos back and instantly trades positions with him.

Pearl: On a second thought, I'll hold it. You go down and fix that Monster.

Soos: Works, for me.

Soos walks to the ladder and starts climbing down.

Pearl: I don't think I could contend with horrors like _that_ on a daily basis.

Soos: What?

Pearl: I respect you.

Soos smiles as he continues downward.

* * *

Gideon steps on to lawn. Garnet stands facing him, not moving

Gideon: This is your last chance Pines. You might as surrender the shack now,because not you or your tacky lawn ornaments will be able to stop me.

Steven (not Seen): Hello, who are you.

Gideon: Who am I? Who are you?!

Steven: I'm Steven. Whoa, I like your hair. How did you get it so shiny and round. Do you have a special trick?

Gideon: Why thank you Steven, My names Gideon, and I do have a special trick.

He brings a jar with the beetles of Heaven and Earth.

Gideon: You see, I've been intentionally feeding the Earth beetle far more then the heaven beetle. In doing so I have upset the very balance of Heaven and Earth itself and yadayadayada, to bring attract a catastrophic event! The event will naturally be attracted to the beetles location and when it arrives it'll wash you wretches away.

Garnet starts walking over to the porch, the sound of squeaking medal can be heard.

Gideon: Why is that statue walking?

Stan: Care to do the honors.

Stan walks out with garden hose and points it at Gideon.

Gideon: NO NOT THE HOSE! I thought I put prison behind me!

Gideon tries to run away, Stan sprays him with the hose. He flails around dropping the jar. Gideon gets up.

Gideon: Do you have any idea how hard it is to get hairspray in prison?! It's going to take far more than that to get rid of Gideon Glee..

Garnet: Steven! Broom!

Gideon: NO, NOT THE BROOM TOO!

Garnet starts swatting him over and over again as he keeps running in circles getting hosed. Gideon Runs off Hissing.

Gideon: Curse you Pines and your little rocks too!

Garnet summons a new set of shades and throws her old ones to the ground and they poof away.

Garnet: He could have made a good adversary, too bad in the end he just…

She raises the glasses to her face.

Garnet: …..Bugged Out.

Steven: Yeeeeeeaaaaaah!

Garnet and Stan look toward the shack.

Steven: I got a splinter in my foot…

Stan: You should really get a pair of shoes kid. You're in a forest, for Gump's sake. Any truth to that faux shuway, garbage the kid was babbling about?

The Camera shakes as loud thuds can be heard in the distance as an army of Gnome's come charging in with Amethyst and the brown bearded Gnome, Jeff, being carried by them.

Jeff: All kneel before the soon to be Gnome Queen!

Amethyst: Hey Guys. I's Getttin' Married!

She flashes the giant Diamond Ring.

Gnomes: Queen! Queen! Queen! Queen!

Shmebulock: Shmebulock!

* * *

SooS (voice Over) And Fast-Forward Time Cut!

Mabel Grabs the mason jar and dumps the beetles in the terrarium. Mabel, Steven, Dipper and Connie have a water balloon fight. Pearl continues to stare at the camera as the sun begins to quickly move across the sky. Soos brings up some chips and water and offers to trade places. Pearl Declines. Deers, Birds, and other woodland creatures begin building an archway as Beethoven's moonlight sonata plays in the background. Mabel comes out with a clipboard and Sunglasses setting out a large binder presenting it to Amethyst and Jeff. A few pages flip they point at a random page, Mabel shakes hands with Jeff as they walk off. Mabel starts pointing at random areas as a large group of squirrels begin setting up chairs and tables. After a few Mabel orders bit the squirrels chase Mabel around the yard. Jeff and Amethyst come out and start screaming at each other. The Sun Sets. They have the ceremony with Multibear acting as priest. Amethyst's section only consists of Greg, Soos, Steven, Mabel, and Connie. Jeff's Section is just filled with Gnomes. The rest of her section is filled by Squirrels. Jeff and Amethyst kiss. Jeff lays down a bee hive and amethyst crushes it, the Gnome's throw their hands in the air. A swarm of bees fly out of the wrecked hive as everyone begins fleeing the area, except for amethyst, whom just points at everyone and laughs. Amethyst Throws a bouquet, it lands in Garnet's Afro. Night falls as the reception begins. Mabel brings out the beetle's terrarium which is lighting up the entire area. Random eating singing and a chair dance occurs. After that, everyone and everything is cleared out. The night is empty, the sun rises as Jeff and the gnomes are carrying a large crystal and mushroom. Multibear carries a desk on his back and a set of papers in his mouth, Amethyst is following. Multibear wears a set of big rimmed glasses as she and Jeff point and scream at each other. Multibear covers three of his eight paws in a red liquid and stamps the papers. Soos walks outside setting up for the next shot. During all this it appears that Garnet this whole time has just casually walking around at a normal pace, completely unphased by the events that have transpired or the fast-forward cut.

Soos(Voice Over): aaaaaand…. Stop.

* * *

The camera has been set far back capturing the entire shack. Pearl is jumping off of the roof landing in front of the porch. Garnet is standing out of focus in the foreground. Amethyst and Jeff are standing on a huge mushroom. They are arguing on the porch in the background. Shmebulock is looking down with a sad look on his face. Awesomemometer is resting on the porch. Greg is standing with the boom mic next to Connie, who is wearing her original outfit. Steven is holding the terrarium next to Mabel and Dipper. Stan walks out of the Door.

Amethyst: No way am I taking custody of Schmebulok!

Jeff: You agreed when you signed the forest prenub! You get the Mushroom and the crystal in exchange for taking Schmebulok.

Amethyst: That's before I realized that I was marrying a Squirrel freak.

Jeff: You didn't have any complaints during the Forest Wedding!

Amethyst: I don't want him! You take him!

Jeff:No! You agreed to take him!

Shmebulock: Shmebulock…..

Jeff: Fine…but we're taking the crystal

Amethyst: Fine, It's not like I can't get like a billion of those, Short Stack!

Jeff: Fat Cat! Come on Shmebulock!

Shmebulock: Shmebulock…..

Jeff: It's okay buddy, Forrest Divorce is hard on everybody.

Jeff yells to Amethyst

Jeff: I'll send for my thing!.

Amethyst: I won't!

Jeff and Shmebulock run off on all fours.

* * *

SooS: So…How did we do on the bug house? How do we stack up on the Awesomemometer? Vote 10.

Amethyst: It's so Shiny, 10 out of 10

Garnet: Seconded.

Pearl: 9 out of 10, it's noticeable but I don't like the racing stripe.

Steven: Aww I added that.

Pearl: Oh well.. In that case 10 out of 10.

Pearl makes an awkward smile.

Mabel: guys, guys, guys.. Don't forget, the most important rating of all! The ratings of our two special guests!

Mabel Walks over to Greg and pulls the boom mic to the terrarium. A caption appears on the bottom of the screen reading "We Like the second floor, but the ceilings are too low. 7 out of 10". A large red stamp the reads respectable. Mable punches the ground.

Mabel: I made the architects first mistake! I built it for myself and not the client. Please forgive me for my Hubris!

Mabel punches the deck.

Pearl: So…How do you like your new sign Mr. Pines?

Stan: Hold on let me take a look.

Stan walks toward the camera.

Garnet: It's not done yet!

Soos: Whelp, guess this will be going into a three parter. Tune in next time!

Soos waves into the camera.

Pearl: I don't understand…that should have worked….

* * *

Translations

Ceaser: 3 steps back

Fix a Laptop? Yes, He can!

It all Seams so much simpler in your head...

A countdown starting,  
til days of Doom  
Was there something Special.  
About that Room?

Atbash

Garnet and Soos have similar powers,  
Could they both be written in the same hour?


	4. Fixin'it with Soos and Pearl P3

**Fixin' it with Soos _and Pearl_**

Part 3

 **Gsv zyrorgb gl rnkilerhv rh z sfnzm hkvxrzogb. Nliv zylfg gsrh zg 11!**

* * *

The vid opens with Soos sitting in his room talking to the camera

Soos: Now it's time for the Mailbag! I don't really have a bag. Or mail really….its…. Kind of a bad…name. Anyway let's go to the comments …..Your fat, your fat….Ah here's one!

Bruceninja14 says These Vids are totally Bruce. And that I'm fat….AND AWESOME! Could you tell me how to get my views up?

Soos: Thanks Bruce, I try my best and you should Too! You'll those view up someday, try to get some more exposure! Next we have..

RobinNightwing and They said: How can people think that being fat is healthy. He should start exercising and learn some discipline. Put down the Chips. You look like a hamster.

Now, someone is disagreeing with him. Now four others have commented all at around the same time….other people keep making comments. Those five keep trollin…other people are trolling back….. Those five troll more…..Look RobinNightwing people have different body types, I actually live a very active lifestyle and as for discipline I have a black belt in Karate. Maybe you should talk go to your parents, relatives, or guardian and ask them how to not judge others on their appearances. And you should probably consider keeping less toxic friends around, you might end up falling in with a bad crowd.

Next up we have:

ButterflyMagic and they ask. Hey my wand is broken, can you come over and help me fix it winky face …. Wow that's a lot of emoticons, is that a waffle?. Well ButterflyMagic I'd have to look at it. Also, I don't know where you live. There are Fixiteers all over the place, so go out and look for one! Also, don't be afraid to try to fix it yourself. You'll never know until you try! Seriously, what's the worst that could happen? That's it for the mailbag and…I need a new name for this section.

Vid jumps back to Soos driving in his rusty pickup truck. The fixin'it with Soos intro theme ( www . youtube watch?v=jzufO5n9fb8 ) is playing on the pickup truck's speakers.

Soos: Yeah…so it turns out if you get a strike on your Tubetube account. They lower the file size you're allowed to upload…. Just as well, we couldn't get it to stay up anyway.

Amethyst (off Camera): Wouldn't be the first time.

Soos: You're telling me! It took so many attempts, but it just kept stalling during the upload, think there might be something wrong with my equipment?

Cut to pearl and soos in front of the shacks sign. At every * Cut to the Mystery Shack's "S" falls between Soos and Pearl. At every cut, Garnet moves closer to then farther from the camera.

Pearl: Why * does * this* keep* hap*pening* AHHHHH!

Cut back to the inside of the pickup's cab. Camera is on the dash.

Soos: So then, Melody stopped taking my calls, so I had to drive down to Portland and explain everything. Told Mr. Pines I'd be back in about two-three days tops. Don't worry though I left my Job in trustworthy hands.

Wendy enters the Gift Shop. Steven and Connie are stacking boxes behind the counter. Greg is cutting a cardboard box open. Garnet is standing around; Pearl is carrying a wooden plank in the background.

Wendy: Uhhh…. Who are you people?

Cut back to the inside of the pickup's cab. Camera is on the dash.

Soos: Trustworthy hands.

* * *

Stan walks into the Gift Shop, holding a sign with a string that says fezzes $300 each. He walks up to Greg and starts pulling fezzes from the boxes. Pearl throws the plank up to the roof ladder and jumps off screen.

Dipper (off camera): Hey Wendy! Where have you been?

Wendy: Cooking Dim Sum for the last 2 days straight. Seriously though, My life is now officially filled with Soggy dumplings. We have like 2 tons worth at our house. So what's with Street performers?

Dipper: They're staying here so they can fix something, but first they need to find it.

Wendy: Where's Soos and Mabel at?

Dipper: Mabel's up on the Roof, and Soos went out of town.

Stan looks at Wendy.

Stan: Oh…right. Wendy, everyone, everyone, Wendy. Now that that's out of the way, help me find a place for these fezzes.

Stan walks up to Garnet and starts putting Fezzes on her shoulders and twisting them into her afro. He then ties two string bits together, the sign hanging from her neck. He starts to pull a bouquet of flowers out from her Afro.

Garnet: No.

Stan: Look Lady, you're taking up valuable real estate. Only three things are allowed to do that, stands, attractions, and employees. So unless you want to start telling people the future for money, either be a stand or throw on a staff shirt.

Garnet morphs a shirt. Throwing all the fezzes off of her and tearing of the sign.

Stan: Well, That was Rude.

Greg: That reminds me, when are we going to be getting our food?

Stan: What do you think this is a bed and breakfast?

Greg: YES! That's what you said it was!

Stan: Oh….Do you have it in writing?

Wendy walks behind the counter.

Wendy: Hey kid you're in my spot.

Connie looks down. She trembles slightly.

Connie: I'm so sorry!

Wendy: Whoa, Take it easy, no apologies necessary.

Wendy pulls gum out of her pocket and puts some into her mouth. She then offers Connie a stick.

Wendy: Here. Take some gum. Trust me. It'll help calm you down.

Connie: My parents said I'm not allowed to chew gum, it's bad for the teeth and jaws.

Wendy: Oh they did, did they?

Wendy looks over to Greg.

Wendy: Yo Daddio! Can I offer your kid some gum?

Greg: Sure you can offer Steven anything.

Wendy: Steven huh? Wow that's a name isn't it? Don't feel bad though, Compared to Dipper's name that's nothing.

Dipper: That's not Steven, that's Connie..

Greg points to Steven.

Steven: I'm Steven! I really like your hat!

Wendy: Thanks, I like your shirt.

Wendy pokes Steven's Star. Camera starts trembling, Steven looks down at it. Then Wendy flicks his nose. Connie looks at the Camera. Mabel climbs down the ladder.

Steven: Ow, that was mean.

Wendy: Aw, you're not going to cry are you?

Steven: Mayybee.

Wendy: Don't cry dude. Here have some gum.

Mabel: P is getting really cranky.

Connie: Is Dipper not your real name?

Dipper: Yes it is, Dipper is my name, Dipper is one hundred percent my name.

* * *

Jump cut to Garnet. A Customer walks up to her side. She does not turn to look at him.

Customer: Excu…

Garnet: The Bathroom is for customers only. There are red popsicles, We don't have any more Large Star Shirts, you'll really like that fireside tale book, and the snow globes are priced correctly.

Customer walks over to the bookshelf and picks it up. And stares at it

Customer: Hah! I don't even like rea…

He walks to the counter and pulls out money.

Garnet: ….yussssss…..Huh….So that's why those two talks like that.

Mabel: Your first sale! High Five!

Garnet raises her right hand and Mabel completes the high five.

Mabel: YEAHHH! Great Job!

Mabel runs off. After Mabel leaves the screen, Garnet starts rubbing her palm with her other hand.

Garnet(cringes): hssss aahhhh...right it the face.

* * *

Cut back to the inside of Soos's pickup's cab.

Soos: Thanks for coming by the way; it made explaining things so much easier. And the Cat idea! .

Amethyst: Ehh… I wanted to get out of the Forrest, clear my head.

Amethyst warps into Melody.

Amethyst: Besides I wanted to meet your girlfriend.

Amethyst runs her warped hand on Soos neck.

Soos: Dude. I'm driving.

Amethyst Warps into Soos.

Amethyst (imitating Soos): What's wrong DAWG! You're not sensitive are ya.

Soos: DUUUUUDE! Soos five.

Soos Throws his hand up. Amethyst smiles as she and Soos high five.

Amethyst: We back yet?

Soos: Almost…allllllmoooooosstt there.

* * *

The sun is beginning set over the Mystery Shack as Soos pulls into the parking lot. Littering the side of the yards is hundreds of broken boards, screws, and dozens of oddly shaped blue machines. Pearl can be seen clutching her knees staring at the sign. Steven, Mabel, Dipper, and Connie runs up to the Truck.

Pearl (in the distance): Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls, Every time I look away it falls

Steven: Amethyst, Pearl is acting crazy, really crazy.

Dipper: Seriously, She's gone off the deep end. After you two left she started pulling out these weird tools. And it's like with everyone she used, the more her insanity increased.

Connie: Everyone's tried to talk her down but it's to no effect. It didn't start getting weird though until she grabbed that goat and put that Staff Shirt on it.

Mabel: She kidnapped Waddles and put him in a white dress! White! He only looks good in Fall colors! FALL COLORS!

Amethyst: Alright, Alright I'll go to talk to Pearl. Leave it to her to harsh my buzz.

Soos: I was afraid this might happen. Her Prowess was so great it blinded me, but no one should have to handle such a huge problem alone. She's Fixxing Out! Follow me my Amethysts! Hold on Pearl! We're coming.

They run off

Connie: Apprentices!

* * *

Hard cut to the roof. Pearl is holding Waddles, while sitting in the fetal position facing away from the camera. While within the sign's shadow she rocks Waddles back and forth. Gompers the Goat is chewing on a can.

Pearl: Soos get that can out of your mouth.

Gompers keeps chewing on a can as a second can rolls down the side of the roof.

Pearl: See Rose, I fixed the problem they had. Are you proud of me?

Waddles: *random oinking*

Waddles licks her face.

Pearl(sings to the tune of jesus loves me.): Rose, you love me this I know. In my Gem you tell me soo… You always know what to say, unlike him!

She points at Gompers.

Pearl: Stupid, Greasy, Hairy….The only thing you did was make it more difficult; leaving when you were needed the most! All you did was annoy me, raise my expectations, and then BREAK THEM; Like you tried to BREAK ME with your little trap. You hide behind an idiotic facade. The second I turn away, you'll tear it back down and I'll have to start again. hehehe But if I never turn away the sign will never fall! SO I just have to wait here and watch this sign until you die? How long until you croak? Fifty, Sixty years? That's nothing to us!

Steven: Pearl Snap out of it. You're acting Crazy!

Pearl never turn's her head. One of her eyes and her mouth begins to move to the back of her head.

Pearl: Look Rose, It's your Son! This is a Miracle! Steven! Come over and say hello to your parent!

Pearl's entire torso snaps around facing the Camera, only one of her eyes is present on her face, a tear forming on it. Her legs stay facing the sign. She holds Waddles up. He's wearing the same Empty White Bag Connie pressed against her face.

Pearl: Get away from them Steven. They'll corrupt you! Warp you! CHANGE YOU!

Amethyst: STOP THIS RIGHT NOW PEARL! SO WHAT IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT? THAT'S NO REASON TO GO WACKO!

Pearl: This is simple human problem, why should we come to clean up their messes. It should be so easy for a Gem like me to some stupid, menial, HUMAN Problem! This just has to be a trap, no other explanation! A clever ruse set up by that devious Mastermind!

Soos: It is as I feared. The brokenedness is completely flowing into her; Bearing down on Pearl's very soul trying to decimate her.

Steven: Brokenedness?

Wendy: All things carry different amounts brokenedness inside then, which pulls hope into itself and turns hope into itself. When the Brokenedness becomes to great, the object becomes broken and more brokenedness pours into what surrounds it. The Fix'it force exists to neutralize the brokenedness, but so to does the reverse…

Connie looks at Wendy

Wendy: Or, that's what he told me…We talk a lot Okay?!

Steven: Pearl, You're stronger then it! Don't let the brokedness destroy you!

Connie: Soos's has developed his own world hasn't he.

Wendy: You have noo idea.

Pearl points to Gompers chewing a can!

Pearl: We sacrificed for them; gave up everything for them! And how do they repay us for the opportunity WE bought for them? Run around like beasts, stealing and breaking thing that don't belong to them!

Soos: You're right, not about the trap or devious Mastermind thing, heheh I mean really could you imagine? I should not have allowed you to handle this burden on your lonesome. It's just that your fix light is so bright it blinded me of my own. I thought you could handle anything. So I went off to fix another problem, knowing full well the severity of the problem before us.

Steven: We should have stayed with you too; I'm just as much your apprehension as his.

Dipper: Apprentice.

Connie: We should have stuck by you.

Pearl second eye moves next to the first one. She stands up and walks towards the camera, crying

Pearl: You're right *sniff* I'm so sorry , especially to you Soos. But hey I think I finally fix

The S falls off

Pearl: OH COME ON!

Amethest: Eh, So what?

Pearl: SO WHAT?! SO WHAT!? Sew what? That's It! We'll Sew it!

Pearl produce's a needle and thread from her pearl.

Pearl: These are an interdimensional needle and Dual-filament thread; They're used to sew any kind of material to another, even the fabric of reality itself! Will you guys all gather around and hold it in place.

Jump cut to a close up to the S. Static flickers wildly. Pearl begins sewing the sign to the wooden back board. Everyone puts their hand on the sign.

SooS: Come on everyone let's count the stiches! 1

Everyone: 2, 3….

"BOOm!"

"SoLVed!1!"

These large flashing letters go across the screen. Jump Cut Camera is carried backward Everyone's back is to it. "BOOm!" "SoLVed!1!"

Everyone:...49, 50!

Everyone looks to the camera.

Soos: BOOM! SOLVED!

Dipper: Wow, you know what? I can actually see it this time!

Steven: Me too! I've Gotten Stronger!

Mabel: ANND HOW!

Connie: I know what you mean.

Wendy: Yeah there is a 1 where an exclamation point should be.

Amethyst: I don't see anything.

Pearl: UHoh… EVERYONE BU..!

* * *

A bright Green Flash explodes from the background! Inside bubbles everybody, Rockets past the camera. A huge amount of debris then starts being sucked into a small black growing void with green light swirling around and into it! Pearl, Steven, and Connie are in frame.

Pearl: How could I have been so blind! Quickly, We have to use the Dimensional needle to close the hole before….

A large rock hits the needle carrying it with it into the void. Soos points his arm at it

Soos: The Needle with which to pierce the heavens!

Pearl: It's Over… There is nothing we can do! If I just took a step back and saw the big picture It would have been so much easier, Curse my Hubris!

She falls to her knees.

Steven: Pearl , What do we do?

Pearl:…without the needle nothing… If only Rose was here…

Soos walks into frame next to Steven and Pearl.

Steven: Soos! what do we do?

Connie: Steven, he can't do anything against something like this! And without that tool, no one can!

Soos: ..That's a Problem not an Excuse…

Steven: What?

Soos: You can't just give up just because what you want isn't there. We don't have the tools we need? Don't know how? When you let these become excuses, the brokenedness wins. Rig something up. Just try something! Doesn't work? Try something else! If it's broken, it can be fixed!

Connie and Steven: But this is…

Soos Covers both their mouths as the boil swells

Soos: It. Can. Be. Fixed. Clear your minds and Say nothing else!

Connie and Steven: It. Can. Be. Fixed.

Soos: Again

Connie and Steven: It. Can. Be. Fixed.

Soos: Again

Connie and Steven: It. Can. Be. Fixed.

Soos: **AGAIN DUDES!**

Connie and Steven: **It. Can. Be. Fixed!**

Soos pulls a hammer, a screwdriver, and duct tape out and places them in their hands He turns toward the void.

Soos: **And what are we going to get?**

Connie and Steven: **10 out of 10!**

SooS: Come my Pretentious Ship! Let's show this thing what true Fixitidness can do!

They scream as the charge towards the void. A great green flash fills the screen.

* * *

Camera Skips to the next morning, Amethyst, Dipper, and Mabel can be seen in the 're sitting on the porch eating Dimsum. They are sharing the same body. Steven, Connie, Pearl and Soos are standing in the mid-ground. The awesomemommeter is facing the camera in the foreground. Mystery shack's sign is not in view.

Soos: So how did we do on the awesomeommeter?

Amethyst: 10 out of 10 I can eat three times as fast!

Mabel: 10 out of 10 My Hair is so shiny and can make it whatever I want to!

Their hair turns into a powdered wig.

Steven: So distinguished.

Dipper: 9 out of 10, I'm so strong and hard now! Yeah I just realized what I said. My head hurts…

Amethyst: We're going to need a new name now though.

Mabel: I got it! Amadeyst!

Soos is excited!

Soos: You rocked me Amadeyst!

Pearl: That's disgusting; Steven can do something about the monstrosity?

Steven: Okay!

Steven screams at them as they defuse, flecks of spit hitting them. After they do Amethyst reaches for more buns.

Amethyst: Aw man now I have to go back to analog! Guess I'll just have to enjoy the Journey!

Dipper: My Headache is gone!

Wendy and Connie walk onto the screen carrying more baskets.

Wendy: Eatup guys, we got plenty.

Soos: So guys how did we do?

Connie: 10 out 10 that was the most awesomest thing ever!

Wendy: 9 out of 10. 10 out of 10, if you eat one of these baskets.

Soos: Internet's perceived powers of Soos, Activate!

Soos starts eating buns as he looks at the camera. 13 seconds pass.

Greg: Oh! Uh 10 out of 10! Can some of those?

Soos looks at Wendy she hands Greg a basket.

Garnet walks through the door.

Soos: So How did we do?

Garnet: 20 out of 10. You solved those problems at the same time.

Stan: 0 out of 10!

Garnet Turns towards Amethyst. We see Stan's head is hanging upside down, sticking out of her butt.

Amethyst: AHAHAHHA! What's wrong Stan? Never touched a ladies butt before?

Stan: I choose not to answer that question.

Amethyst: Hey Garnet you got to try some of these bean buns. They're sooooo good.

She hands a few buns to Garnet.

Stan: Don't you dare! Somebody get me out of this crazy thing!

Steven screams really loud at Stan's face. Garnet glows and shakes as Stan falls out headfirst on to the ground.

Stan: Aw My neck, my back…

Garnet:…

Stan: Now that, that nightmare is over with…

He looks up at the sign, The "The S is turned 90 degrees to the left ~

Stan: Good enough, 10 out of 10.

Soos looks to Pearl.

Soos: So Pearl. What does our work rate on the awesomemometer?

Pearl: 8 out of 10: but once you humans develop a multi-dimensional written language 10 out of 10! SO ULTIMATELY 10 out 10. and you?

SooS 10 out of 10! Do you know what this means?

Pearl: Not since I got here, no.

Soos: We transcended the Awesomeommeter! A feat I once thought only possible in the legends! Victory DANCE!

Soos grabs both Pearl's hands, and performs a simple two step dance. As the Fixin'it theme plays in the background. Pearl looks really uncomfortable at first but then shrugs and starts enjoying herself. She Spins Soos, then takes one step forward catching him as he places his forearm on his forehead. When sh bends over it is revealed that she has little moth wings on her back. She bites off a piece of Soos' shirt as the video ends.

* * *

The video shrinks as the screen shows a Tube-tube site page. One comment is in the comment section.

RobinNightwing: My Parents were murdered by an assassin, you fat ugly waste of life.

Another comment appears.

PearlCrystalGem: Your Parents were murdered on the trapeze. But what the caveman didn't tell you is that, they actually asked Tony to do it. When they realized who you'd grow up to be; they just couldn't live with themselves anymore. Anyway enjoy your Tower.

Camera Pans out to see Garnet sitting in front an Orange laptop. She stretches, placing both hands behind her head.

Garnet: The Boil's dealt with, Healing is Fixed. Garnet Wins.

Atbash: The ability to improvise is a human specialty. More about this at 11


	5. An Odd Thought

Just an Odd Thought.

8-25-8-21-2-23-11-12-17-10 11-4-22 4-17 8-20-24-4-15. 8-25-8-21-2-23-11-12-17-10 11-4-22 4-17 18-19-19-18-22-12-23-8.

23-11-12-17-10-22 6-18-16-5-12-17-8-7 4-21-8 10-21-8-4-23-8-21 23-11-8-17 23-11-8 22-24-16 18-9 23-11-8-12-21 19-4-21-23-22.

7-18-8-22 23-11-12-22 16-8-4-17 23-11-4-23 4-17-2 ?

26-11-4-23 7-18 10-4-21-17-8-23 4-17-7 4 19-18-23-4-23-18 11-4-25-8 12-17 6-18-16-16-18-17 ?

23-11-8-2 5-18-23-11 10-4-25-8 16-24-15-23-12-19-15-8 8-2-8-22!

26-11-4-23 7-18 10-4-21-17-8-23 4-17-7 23-11-12-22 13-18-14-8 11-4-25-8 12-17 6-18-16-16-18-17?

23-11-8-2 5-18-23-11 11-4-25-8 16-4-17-2 9-4-6-8-23-22!

17-18-23 9-24-17-17-2?

22-18-21-21-2 4-5-18-24-23 23-11-4-23 22-18-16-8-23-12-16-8-22 16-2 13-18-14-8-22 15-4-17-7 4 15-12-23-23-15-8 9-15-4-23


	6. Dipper's Guide 444 BeachCity Goblin P1

Dipper's guide to the unexplained #444 (part 1)

"Beach City Goblin"

20-8-5 2-12-9-14-4 12-5-1-4-9-14-7 20-8-5 4-5-1-6. 8-9-12-1-18-9-20-25 5-14-19-21-5-19 ?

16-18-5-20-20-25 1-14-4 16-15-9-19-15-14-15-21-19 9-20 19-5-5-13-19 3-15-14-6-21-19-9-14-7 2-21-20 9-20 19 1-12-12 1-2-15-21-20 16-5-18-19-16-5-3-20-9-22-5.

Inside The Big Donut Lars and Sadie are talking to each other behind the counter. Steven walks past with a frown on his face.

Sadie: Sorry Steven.

Lars: Sadie can you buy me a soda? Working behind the counter really dries me out.

Sadie: Fine, But you owe me.

Sadie walks past the camera as Wendy Corduroy walks up to the front desk wearing a blue tank top, over an Orange one-piece Swimsuit, and yellow shorts pants. Lars starts to blush. He breathes into his hand and tries to straighten his hair. Sadie starts up the soda fountain

Wendy: Hey, do you guys have any specials here? I'd like 12 donuts and a cup of sprinkles. Don't ask.

Camera turns to Sadie standing in front of the Soda Fountain.

Lars: Uhhh. Yeah, for every dozen donuts and cup of sprinkles you buy, you get a free soda.

Sadie squeeze the cup really hard, causing soda to burst out the top of it.

Lars: Oh uh, sorry, I forgot that deal expired.

Wendy: How much?

Sadie: six dollars and fifty cents.

Wendy. okay, here you go.

Lars takes the Green Cash as Wendy walks out with the goods.

Sadie: Lars you bonehead, we don't take that kind of cash here!

Lars: Sorry I was really busy and it slipped my mind.

Sadie:This and the soda are all on you.

Lars:Oh come on!

Jump Cut to Dipper and Ronaldo Fryman standing outside in front of the Big Donut. Dipper is holding a Large cardboard sign that reads "" Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained #444 "The Beach City Goblin" "".

Multiple Customers are entering an exiting the establishment.

Soos, Wendy, and Mabel can be seen sitting eating donuts at an outside table.

Mabel is wearing a teal sweater with an orange star-shaped melting popsicle.

Soos is wearing a large yellow T shirt with a Question Mark painted on it and purple Shorts.

Melody can be seen standing behind a booth with a sign that says Meat Cute in the background, handing out Meat on bones to customers. She waves.

Dipper: Hello and welcome to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained #444 "The Beach City Goblin" . We are airing a special episode on location. The reason why is because of the food trade show DelMunchfest, one of our friend's is running a booth down here and wanted some company for the long drive. So me and my team decided to accompany her for the cross-country trip. Unfortunately, my original crew decided to treat this as a vacation from our **investigative responsibilities!**

Mabel: We regret nothing!

The camera begins to pan slowly pan outward revealing more of the building and Steven walking out of the Big Donut.

Dipper: Anyway I hired some local help to run the camera, Feel free to introduce yourself...No? Wow you really are professional. Anyway, I'm here with regional supernatural expert and creator of the "Keep Beach City Weird" webpage, Ronaldo Fryman.

Ronaldo: Pleasure to be on your show Dipper. Tonight, we are going to be hunting the "Beach Urbem Gremlinus" or the "Beach City Goblin"! A creature notorious for destroying and sabotaging various buildings and machinery throughout Beach City. It is said to have the head of a goat and body of an iguana. He shows a picture.

Dipper: Right and to the point! Wow, you're a professional too. This may end up being the best show...

Steven: Hey Ronaldo, are you up for the big water-balloon war? Sadie and Lars are swamped and can't make it. I forgot all about the DelMunchfest.

Mabel, Soos: Water-balloon War!?

The Camera continues to pan outward. Ronaldo smacks himself in the head. Mabel and Soos walk up to Steven.

Ronaldo: Oh I completely forgot, Sorry Steven, I'm CO-hosting a show for the webpage. Its a crossover, and those always lead to greater exposure, and generate both viewers and followers! I can t join in today.

Steven: Aw man it took a lot of convincing to get all the Gems to join in at all.

Mabel: Hey cutie, I m Mabel, Me and my fellow crew mates..

Soos: I'm Soos!

Mabel: He's Soos. Couldn't help but over hear you need a body or two to soak. Well ( _Willyoubemyboyfriend?_ ) we'd like to volunteer for joining in the warring festivities!

Steven: Well...Okay.

Mabel squeals and then points to everybody.

Mabel: He said YES, You all heard it. Anyway, what do you say Wendy?

The Camera continues to pan outward.

Wendy: Sure I'm up for it. Not much else to do around here anyway.

Soos looks over to Dipper.

Soos:Are you sure you don't want to join in Dude? It sounds like it's going to be eventful.

Dipper: Sorry, but this could be my one chance to shoot professional looking video.

Soos:Okay, I got to go tell Melody.

Soos walks to the Meat Cute booth and starts talking to Melody, Mabel, Wendy and Steven.

Mabel (imitating Dipper): Okay, Have fun with your "professional" camera man,

Mable walks away, The camera pulls a full 180 has the Camera man Runs off.

Dipper: MY CAMERA!

Dipper gives chase then jump tackles the camera man, Whom is revealed to be Onion. Dipper then takes the camera as Onion runs off.

Dipper: Yeesh, you can't trust. anybody around here. There goes five bucks well spent.

Jump Cut further down the boardwalk, Dipper can be seen combing the beach near the Ocean. Steven, Soos, Wendy, and Mabel walk toward a cooler filled to the brim with water balloons, Mabel is carrying her sweater revealing reddish pink one piece swimsuit with a yellow star on the front of it. Connie is finishing wrapping up the last of the balloons. Connie is wearing a purple dress, with Yellow leggings, and green T shirt,

Ronaldo: We'll begin by combing the beach looking Gremlin nails. They look like gnarled green crystals. When and if we find some, we ll have a point from which we can start tracking it.

Dipper: Alright, good plan! Do you have any rakes, shovels, or sieves?

Ronaldo: Afraid not, I blew my budget last week, and my rake was confiscated, so just sweep your hands blindly through the sand.

Dipper: That's not as good a plan. Are you going to help.

Ronaldo: Someone has to run the Camera.

*In the Background*

Steven: I really like your Swimsuit, it's like my shirt!

Mabel: I know, we're practically a pair now!

Steven: Hey Connie, How's the wrap up going

Connie: OH Steven, I just...

Connie leads Steven away by the hand! Mabel closes the gap

Connie: Steven... who are those...strangers?

Mabel: I was about to ask Steven the same question; you _belladonna_!

Garnet, Amethyst , and Pearl can be seen walking up from the beach house to cooler filled with Balloons conversing with each other.

Connie and Mabel leer at each other.

Steven: What's a Belladonna?

Mabel/Connie at the Same time: A pretty Flower!/A poisonous plant!

Pearl: Do we really have time for this? It could arrive in any minute now.

Garnet: Don t worry, I told Steven we could only do it today, most of his friends would be too busy to join in, So I'm pretty sure we can get out of it.

Amethyst: Garnet that is so underhanded, I like it!

Steven: Hey Guys, Everyone was busy, but luckily I found some other people willing to play!

Garnet: Well I didn't see this coming.

Pearl: Uh uhhh Steven? There is only three of them? Doesn't that give us an Unfair advantage? We should probably cancel the whole thing.

Steven: It s okay. One of us can join their side!

Pearl: But, Won t our powers give us an unfair advan...

Wendy interrupts Pearl by throwing a water balloon at her face.

Wendy: Wooo! Yeah, the first shot has been fired!

Pearl wipes her face off as Amethyst laughs at her. Mabel then pelts Amethyst in the face.

Mabel: Boosh.

Wendy: This is War Sucka! Ain't no rules!

Mabel: No rules!

Mabel throws a water balloon at Dipper. Dipper pulls a small Green shard out of the sand

Dipper: Dang it Mabel! Hey I found one..!

Garnet appears behind him and takes it out of his hand.

Garnet: I ll take that.

Dipper: Hey!

Ronaldo (off Camera): Don t worry about it, We just needed to **find** the claw. We don t actually need it. And Judging from where you found it and the lines in the sand It s heading back up the boardwalk, follow me!

Dipper: Fiinally, we re on the trail of the supernatural!

Dipper and Ronaldo run off, The camera bounces up and down as it hangs. It catches, Garnet warping the shard away as Soo's burst out from the ocean behind her nailing her with two water balloons . Pearl pulls out a replicator wand, copies one of the water balloons, and starts shooting them at Wendy and Mabel. Amethyst turns into a catapult and launches volley of water balloons a Soos. Connie stands in the middle of it all, holding a lone balloon. She flanks Mabel and throws it in her face.

* * *

A1Z26

The blind leading the deaf. Hilarity ensues?

Pretty and Poisonous, It seems confusing but it's all about perspective.

Review and comment. tell me what you think.


	7. Dipper's Guide 444 BeachCity Goblin P2

Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained #444

(part 2)

Izali rh hl wfoo uiln levi fhv..

Ru blf szevm'g ivzw Pvvk Yvzxs Xrgb Dvriw'h yzxpolt blf ivzoob hslfow.

* * *

Dipper is standing in a large red puddle outside of the Meat Cute booth, staring at a heavily dented container. There are two small holes in the dent's center, dripping with red liquid.

Melody is seen dipping a mop into a large industrial sized container that reads " "Honey Smoke" " coating a large number of ham bones with its golden gel. . In the background we can see Soos running from Pearl shooting balloons at him with the replicator wand. She trips throwing the wand at Soos's feet. He Picks it up and starts shooting her with it. She scrambles off screen. Mabel and Connie are pelting each other with water balloons as Steven just throws balloons at random people.

Ronaldo: Excuse me miss. We're currently on the trail of the infamous "Beach City Goblin" Have you seen any Goat-headed lizards running about?

Melody: Oh hello, would you care for a free sample? I have to say that first, then offer you a I don't, I'm in breach of contract. What's up.

She hold's out a Meat bone almost as large as Dipper's head. Ronaldo Takes one.

Ronaldo: It's so huge and dripping, It looks almost like the meat the High-BEE-rids would eat in _Gather x Gather_.

Melody: Excuse me?

Dipper: Don't get that goop on my camera.

Dipper points to the camera. then looks over to melody.

Dipper: Hey Melody, did you see what did this?

He points at the container.

Melody: Afraid not, It happened while my back was turned. There is this little white headed kid's running around wrecking stuff though; no one seems to doing anything about it, Is it some kind of eastern custom?

In the Mid-ground we can see Onion hitting random trashcans with a Baseball bat that has nails taped to it.

Ronaldo: The Goblin's struck again! Your very lucky you weren't hurt. How are you holding up?

Melody: Terrible, this booth's location is horrid, That Donut store blocks it from the main fairway where most of the customer's congregate. Anyone who does come down here want's something sweet after walking a gauntlet of greasy and salty snacks. So they just go in there and grabs a donut. I've got so much in back stock, Could you give Soos a yell for me. I'm not allowed too.

Dipper: Hey Soos, Get over here Melody wants to talk to you!

No Gem can be seen. Only Steven, Connie, and Mabel throwing Balloons at each other. Connie trips and Mabel helps her up.

Soos walks up to Dipper and Melody. every few seconds an explosion of water can be seen hitting him in the back. Dipper turns around to see Soos holding a replicator wand.

Dipper: Soos, what's that?

Soos: This? It's a toy some lady dropped on the beach. I got to give it back soon.

Dipper: It looks like a...dowsing rod?

Melody: I have to clean up that barbeque sauce., and I only have one mop and no bucket. I can't leave the booth unmanned either. Would be a sweetie and clean it up for me? I'll give you guys some of this back stock.

Soos: Sure thing,

Soos turns around, his back facing the camera.

Soos: You mind giving me a hand. We'll get lots of snacks.

Amethyst: Fine… but I get first pick!

A loud clang can be heard to the right. Dipper and Ronaldo run to the Fry shack across the intersection. The camera spins arround We see Amethyst Sucking all of the Sauce up and off the ground.

Soos: Impressive.

Amethyst: What can I say. _I'm a Saucy girl_

She puts her hand behind her hair and winks with her tongue out.

Melody: You sure are.

Melody spits into a hand full of napkins. She bends over and wipes Amethyst face off .

Amethyst (sarcastic): _Gee, thanks mom._

Amethyst throws a balloon at Melody, grabs all the prepared meat bones, then runs off.

Amethyst: HaHa

Soos: Yeah, she's pretty rude.

Melody: No biggie, There's plenty more, Take some.

Camera spins to the front of Beach Citywalk fries. A large service window with metal counter is mounted on the side of the building. Ronaldo's younger brother, Peedee Fryman is a boy with yellow dreadlocks, standing behind the service window.. His large white tank top hangs off of his skinny frame. stains on the front of it. he is cleaning up a knocked over container of straws.

Ronaldo: How's Business Peedee?

Peedee: It's really slow, I've actually done all of our chores by myself and cleaned the entire pantry by myself. I hate this down time!

Ronaldo: Hey Peedee seen anything…extraordinary?

Peedee: Yeah actually, some brown haired guy in a silver jumpsuit and Goggles, ordered some bits, then said something about being worth it. He then dashed around the corner and knocked over a trash can. Is he one of your cosplay buddies?

Ronaldo: I don't know anyone who would dress up as a character like that. Must be from some oldtaku playing a character from a retro series. I'll head around back and see who it is. if it's the Goblin it might try to run past me. So Dipper, you wait here and knock out anything that dashes out from the alley..

Dipper: Wow you are great at thinking ahead. Roger that!.

Ronaldo hands Dipper a Potato, then runs around the corner.

Peedee: Breakdown the boxes back there, I can't leave my station!

As Ronaldo turns the corner we see Onion messing with a large measuring tape, trying to pull it out with no luck. A stocky man's entire body is covered by a huge box.

Ronaldo: Take it easy guy.

Boxed Man: Help! This box is restricting my time arms. I went to get some of Beach city's famous Bits from the Fry shop. I then looked to the side and see that little white Gremlin taking my time de…measuring tape. I was chasing him, and then crashed into these boxes.

Ronaldo: Dude, You really need to be more careful. Boxes are tricky man. I remember one time I was making a costume out of a cardboard box, and I cut the arm holes in the wrong place. I was stuck in it for 9 hours,

Onion widens the gap between Ronaldo and himself. Ronaldo pulls the box off of Blendin; whom then grabs Onion.

Ronaldo: Dude, what Series are you from.

The previously Boxed man stammering and sweating. Rubing the back of his neck

Blendin: I'm..uhhh ' Blendin from the series of …. **Time Anomaly Removal Crews…hYper?**

Ronaldo: No way, That old Korean-English subbed Scifi show about Time Janitors? Are you an OC?

Blendin: uhh… yeah. we are an organization from the THE the future whose goal is to be extracting THE anomalies throughout THE time to protect the THE time stream from the THE the corruption.

Ronaldo:Say no more I speak your language friend. How going is the clean up? yes?

Blendin: Dishonoring, Oh…but uh...don't be worry, I have been at current covering for the removing technician for this regional. He desertAbandoned his post for a few days and didn't leave proper protocoling of followed. And since I'm on probationary…..extra work no reward…but Honor!

Ronaldo: Continuing your hunt noble technician, Keep your _focused will willing and your_ man focusing focused.

He walk off as the camera keeps running. Dangling behind Ronaldo.

Blendin: Thanks, I've taken more precautions then my previous incarnation, I put a time lock on my Time Device. Now it can only be operated if you put in special sequence. It won't activate unless I push the top triangle 6 times.

Onion wiggles out of his grasp pushes the top triangle 6 times and pulls the tape, Blendin tackles him as they warp away with all the cardboard boxes.

Jump cut to the Docks. Dipper and Ronaldo are standing next to man who has a light blonde beard and eyebrows, and wears a bright yellow rain coat and hat. The coat has two white stripes near the bottom.

In the background, we can see Garnet and Soos each holding the end of jump rope as Steven, Mabel, and Connie are jumping in rhythm with each other. Wendy is chasing Pearl around, using Amethyst as a large back mounted water pump.

Dipper: I'm here standing with local fisherman … is it Yellowtail?

Ronald nods

Dipper: Okay, Yellowtail whom has just had to row back to the dock. One of his boat motors had burned out due to some kind of thick white fibers getting tied around his propeller. Could you please tell us what events transpired?

YellowTail: waawawawwawaawwa waawawwaawa wawawawwawwawwa.

YellowTail continues on as Dipper nods.

In the background, we see Soos and Garnet trade places with Steven, Mabel, and Connie. Maybel and Steven start to swing the jump rope, but it gets caught in Garnet's afro. She then defuses into Ruby a short child sized red humanoid with a large black afro and Sapphire, a child-sized blue humanoid with a long flowing white hair. Ruby wears a red tabard, white headband and black short pants. Sapphire wears a long blue dress that stretches down to ground .

Ruby, Soos, and Sapphire, then begin jumping when Soos trips. Ruby points at laughs at him as Sapphire looks down in concern. They both help him backup. They continue jumping.

Dipper: uh huh uh huh

YellowTail: waawawawwawaawwa waawaawa wawawawwwawwa. Wawwawawawwa wawawawwaaawaawaa.

Dipper: Fascinating. Could you hold on for a minute.

YellowTail: waa WAA wawawa

Dipper leads Ronaldo off camera,

In the background, Connie runs off and starts chucking water balloons at Wendy and amethyst. Pearl turns her arms into a hose and nozzle, Connie takes one of her arms and starts spraying Wendy.

Dipper (whispering): I literally can't understand a single word he has said to me. His accent is just way too thick.

Ronaldo: He's probably just tired and dehydrated, lets take him someplace, where he can cool down a bit.

Dipper: Good plan.

Dipper and Ronaldo walk backwards keeping his face in the cameras view the whole time.

Ruby and Sapphire jump on Soos arms. Soos starts spinning around as they cling to his arms. Wendy the, runs behind them, shooting Ruby and Sapphire as he spin's.

Dipper: You seem kind of tired, Do you want to sit down and and grab a bite and a drink? It's on me.

YellowTail: Wa wa WAA

Dipper: I'll take that as a yes.

Yellowtail, Ronaldo, and Dipper walk-off leaving the camera running.

A Rather Large Wave crashes towards the shore. A towering teal skinned creature crawls to the shore. It's body consists of two torsos joined together in similar form to that of a centaur. Attached to its lower torso are four thick striped teal colored arms with large hands That it walks upon. Black clothing is wrapped around it like a horse's barding, displaying a white diamond.

The upper torso has the shape of a woman's chest, wrapped in a sleeveless garment with a large black triangle in it's center, and dark green shoulder straps. Compared to the arms on the lower torso, its two upper arms are more slender and feminine, its hands thinner with longer fingers.

It stares down with it's four eyes at the party goers as it grits it's pointed teeth. The long white hair growing out of it's head has a large patch missingfrom it.

Creature: Who did this !?

Soos: Wow, That's a lot of woman. Women? Womans? I'm going to go with womans.

The creature points to its head, as the entire Party looks up in awe and fright.

Suddenly a bright blue flash fills the screen. When two tall muscular men appear between the creature and party goers. Each wears a uniform consisting of a gray shirt, black vest with the symbol of two sea-foam green equilateral triangles, facing each other. They also don dark gray pants, a black belt with a sea foam green buckle, sea foam green gloves, black and gray boots, black shoulder pads, gray knee pads, and a name tag. Each of their left eyes have a sea foam green glass displays, that are attached to their left ears.

One of the uniformed men has light skin and short dirty blonde hair.. He places Two fingers upon the device on his left ear. His Name tag reads Lolph

The Other man has dark brown skin and is slightly taller. His black hair is cut at angle and parts down the right side of his head. His name Tag read Dundgren.

Dundgren: So who was in charge of this region?

Lolph: Who do you think?

Dundgrrn: Blandin?

Lolph: Blandin.

Dundgren: Figures….

Creature: Who are you?

Dudgren looks up at the creature and then look back to Lolph currently scanning the region.

Lolph: Mam please move along.

Dundgren: Have you detected the location of the unauthorized time travel..

Lolph: Yes, but there is a massive amount of time interference all around this area. It's as if time travel has occured dozens upon of times in a very short time window. It'll take a few instances to locate the most recent site.

Creature: Are Ignoring me?!

Dundgren: Maam, this is your first warning, We are agents of the Temporal Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squad, there is nothing to see here, Please go about your business.

He waves his hand at her. shoeing her off.

The Creature lowers it's head down and growls as it stares at them, She pounds the sand beside them.

Dundgren: Madam, this is your second warning, You are acting _Eratic_! Please vacate the vicinity and collect yourself.

Creature: What did you say to me?!

Dundgren: This is your last Warning, MADAMS, You are presently interfering with matters of Temporal Integrity. If you do not move along, we will have no choice but to neutralize, isolate, detain, and examine you for Due Processing!

When The word "detain" was spoken, The creature tries to Slam the two agents as they roll out of the way.

Each one of them pulls out a Neon Pink Orb and throws it at the teal titan. They pop on impact leaving dots of pink Goo. Large Tendrils of water begin to form behind the creature. They reach out but immediately dissipate. The glowing pink goop begins to swell, bubble ,and spread across the great sea beast.

Creature: Whats happening to me!?

Dundgren: I will now read you the Gem Protocol. _You have/had the right to retain form. Every action and word spoken can, has, and will be used against you in Time Court . You have the right to be tried separately or as a single party. If you submit quietly to a cursory examination you will not be immediately forwarded to Due Processing. We are a temporal authority and as such you will not be judged on crimes that have been committed in the present. Only the future and past._

The Goop completely envelops it and begins to contract. It immediately shrinks leaving two large pink balls and one huge Purple ball. The Pink balls begin to tremble as two Gems begin to emerge from them. One is shaped like a Blue Tear drop, the other is an Orange Quadrilateral with two adjacent side much longer then the other two.

Lolph: I moved before the Time scan completed,. We have to go back and recalibrate this thing.

Dundgren: Just as well, we can't leave these out here.

Dundgren and Lolph warp away with the orbs . Then Dipper walks up and picks up the camera.

Dipper: I can't believe I forgot the camera.

Dipper turns the corner. back carrying the camera. Suddenly, Lolph, Dundgren, Blendin, Onion and two large orbs reappear. A sweating Blendin points to Onion, whom is drinking a juice box. Onion drops the juice box then, runs off.

The two different colored heads can be seen peeking out of the pink orbs. One is blue with long hair blue hair , and the other is Orange with extremely Large White hair and a dark orange stripe across it's face.

Blendin: Anyway, this kid got his hand on a Gem bauble and started jumping throughout time and started breaking things when nobody was looking. Don't worry though. No one saw him, so all his actions will blamed on some fictitious goblin.

Dundgren: I see..

Blendin: I... I... I.. grabbed him and went back to before he got the bauble and broke it before he could use it, thus creating a benign time loop. There will be a lot of temporal background resonance for a bit, but the timeline is stable. Just had to go back and collect a few boxes. Time boiler plate time stuff, really.

Lolph: Well that explains everything, Good to see you do your job. For once. As for you two..

Lolph and Dundgrin pull out Large metal tubes with pink rings around wrapping around them. They shove the tubes into the large pink balls causing them to shrink.

Dundgrin: Lapis Lazuli, You are responsible for incalculable ecological damage to this planet and the drowning of thousands of people. These however are environmental crimes, not temporal ones ,and as such are not under our jurisdiction. Your manipulation ability will diminished for the next couple of hours. Until then _Watch Your Back…._

Lolph: Jasper, Your infractions are negligible at worst, but you have a Major Attitude Problem… _Keep your nose clean._

Jasper: You worthl..

Jaspers starts screaming as a large Seafoam green mute symbol floats in front of her.

Lolph: Man, I love doing that.

Lolph and Dundgrin finish extracting the pink goop. Both Lapis and Jasper drop to the ground. Dundgrin glove gets covered in a purple gritty substance.

Lolph: I think your container sprung a leak.

Dundgrin: We got to head back for maintenance, Blendin finish up and submit your report.

Blendin: yeyeyeyess sir!

Blendin starts to salute. When Jasper knocks him aside and leaps at the two agents wearing a large Helmet that juts forward, She stops completely in the air, unable to move. an hour glass timer appears and starts to tic down slowly. She starts screaming but no sound can be heard. They turn around and walk away.

Lolph: Your on _Time Out_ Missy.

Dundgren: Good One. Did you see her weapon?

Lolph: Yes I did.

Lolph and Dundgren both laugh. They pull out their time devices and then disappear with a high five. Steven runs up to Lapis and starts to talk to her. Their conversation is not picked up on the microphone.

Blendin falls to the ground. While on his back he exhales Loudly.

Blendin: Man, that was a close one. If they found out I almost lost my time device again. I'd be thrown back in the Infinetentiary. Good thing for this region's time interference. Got to love Gem tech, it makes a great scapegoat.

Mabel: Hey BlarBlar and BlueBlue . You want to join the Water Wars or what?

Blandin: Blendin' Sure, I got all the time I want. Let me just take off my jump suit...

Blendin removes his suit revealing a pair of black Swim trunks with little Neon green hour glasses on them. He walks up to Jasper and pushes a button on his watch. Her speech returns.

Jasper :And when I get out of this I'm Going to crush each and Every last one of you! What are you looking at you stupid bulb head.

Blendin: _**bleh bleh bleh bleh**_. If you just kept your mouth shut. You wouldn't even be in this mess. And since you spent every opportunity you got insulting me, I'm going to hang my jump suit on your head-butt head, head butt-head .

Blendin hangs his jumpsuit on her helmet.

Soos runs up to Blendin as Pearl looks over to Wendy.

'Blendin: Keep the sand out of it ,for me, will ya?

Soos: Hey Dawg, Do you know what time is it? Because I have like no idea.

Connie: Pearl, what just happened?

Pearl: Well obviously….Its so apparent that…..

Pearl pauses

Pearl: I have no idea, someone SERIOUSLY, needs to explain what just happened here!

Wendy: Don't look at me. I'm just as in the dark about this as you are and..

Amethyst and Wendy pelt them with water as they run off , giving each other high fives.

Jasper: Why does it smell like onions in here?

* * *

Atbash:

Occam's razor is so dull from over use...

If you haven't read Keep Beach City Weird's backlog you really should.

Hope you enjoyed it. Update to the main story is next. Like it? hate it? Don't be afraid to review or message me!


	8. Dipper's Guide 444 BeachCity Goblin P3

Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained #444

(part 3)

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* * *

YellowTail and Dipper sit at a table in the middle of Fish Stew Pizza. The table and their drink glasses are empty except for a few stray Ice cubes.

YellowTail: wawawa wwawa wawa WAA WAAA

Dipper: "Whoa, You can't say THAT, on Television."

Dipper says as he points to Yellowtail with smirk on his face, Yellowtail begins laughing really hard as he puts head on the table, pounding it with his fists. Dipper laughs uncomfortably,still having no idea as to what he said. Yellowtail then shakes Dipper's hand as he walks off.

Dipper: Well that was fruitless….. At least we got something to eat.

Jenny Pizza, a dark skinned teenage girl wearing a grey T shirt and maroon leggings walks into frame. Her hair is short, yet thick enough to conceal a pair of large round golden earrings. Her apron with a slice pepperoni pizza printed on it, covers her outfit. She walks up to the table.

Jenny: Here is your bill .

Dipper: Thanks.

He hands over a handful of green bills to Jenny. She stares at it.

Jenny: Dad! I need you over here.

Kofi a thin dark-skinned man . wearing an apron with a yellow upside down triangle on his chest, Walks into frame. His hair is held in the form a brown tower tapering inward, down to the middle of his head, held up by an invisible hairnet. His Thick Grey eyebrows flutter as begins yelling at Dipper.

Kofi: Your filthy western money is not acceptable here!

Dipper: What's wrong with it?

Kofi: Nothing, if you were anywhere else in Delewaryland, but here in Delmarva, it is illegal to even hold these snake skins!

Kiki Pizza walks past the table blocking the camera temporarily. She is a dark-skinned teen aged girl with dark curly brown hair that is being tied back by a beige scarf. Her clean white apron hangs over a blue T-shirt and Jeans rolled up at the leg cuffs. Her face looks almost exactly like her twin sister Jenny. A gruff voice can be heard in the background.

Kiki: Here you are sir.

Stan: Ah, Thank you Sweety! And If I may be so bold; What may I call a lovely young girl like yourself ?

Camera Pans over to see Grunkle Stan wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a loosely woven sombrero, and sunglasses. Stan's Thick Grey eyebrows seem to float around his hat. He gives her a large Roll of pink bills to her.

Stan: Keep the change, Sweety.

She gives him a Smile.

Kiki: Oh my gosh, Thank you Sir! It's Kiki by the way. And what is your name?

Grunkle Stan: Kiki.. such a beautiful name, for a pretty, fully clothed, young Woman. Is that your sister over there? You two look so much alike.

Stan points over to Jenny.

Kiki: Yeah, that's my twin sister Jenny. Although you wouldn't believe it if you talked to us.

Stan: Oh I think I would, My name is Stan…Conifer! But please, call me…

Stan / Dipper:: Grunkle Stan. / Grunkle Stan?

Kofi: You pay attention when I'm yelling at you, child.

Stan: Oh Dipper! This is Kiki come on over and say hi to this beautiful young lass.

Jenny:Now, I wouldn't go as far as to say beautiful..

Kiki give her sister a harsh stare, while retaining her composure. Stan laughs

Stan: Ha! Check out the Moxie on this girl. Here ya go sugar. Buy yourself something nice.

He hands her a large roll of pink cash. A huge smile crosses her face.

Jenny: It's About time someone recognized.

Stan: And The SASS! I LOVE IT!

Dipper: You're really giving them a lot of money. Did you hit your head or something?

Stan: Hey Dipper, go get your sister. I want to take a twin-twin picture. Is that what they're called?

Dipper tries to walk forward as Kofi grabs him. His thick grey eyebrows trembling as he then snarls at Dipper.

Kofi: OH no you don't! Is this how you westerners work? Quickly, glazing over the problem, while changing the subject, whenever the opportunity presents itself?

Stan: Check the Brow on Poppa over here. You really know how to focus on the little things don't ya?

Kofi: Money, is not a little thing!

Stan: You sir a man after my own heart. I bet you were born on a Friday! Anyway, I'm just an old man not long for this world. My memory is going so, I like to pictures of all the people I meet. Would you and your daughters be willing to take a picture with me and my grand..nephew and niece? They're twins too; and as an old man I find similarities to my own family, to be fascinating.

Kofi: Now why would I ever…

Stan Throws him a thick roll of purple cash.

Kofi: …Very well but there still is the matter of that little boy's bill!

Stan: Extorting a generous old man for more money, all because of a child's mistake…. You sir are a king among men!

Stan looks into the Camera, As he throws another Roll at Kofi.

Stan: Hey Curly! Go out and get Mabel for us will ya?

Ronaldo: Would you be willing to throw me a couple..

Grunkle Stan takes off his sunglasses and sombrero, and growls at him with angry eyes. With the Sombrero removed, a small tuft of hair can be seen poking out from the back of his head. His thick grey eyebrows trembling as he snarls at Ronaldo.

Ronaldo: Never mind!

Stan walks up and throws his arm around Kofi, Kofi then shakes him off.

Ronaldo walks out the door. In the distance, Mabel can be seen hanging off of Jasper helmet, talking face to face with her. They are too far off in the distance to be heard. Soos is standing off to the side, Holding Blendin's jump suit and a white cloth. The timer is down to about a third of it's total time. Garnet stands behind staring at the timer ticking down. Ronaldo yells.

Ronaldo: Is one of you May-bel? Some guy named Stan, Says you need to come down here!

Mabel looks up, then talks to Jasper again. She puts her hand on Jasper's face. Mabel drops down then runs forward. Soos starts talking to Jasper.

Mabel: This better be for real Curly, we were about to have a major break through.

Soos starts wiping off Jasper's face. Mable walks up to the camera, getting so close that only the small tuft of hair, poking out the back of her head can be seen. Kiki, Jenny, Kofi, Stan, and Dipper walk out side. Kofi and his daughters stand next to each other,

Kofi: Make it quick!

Stan: Here Curly, Take this , and get a shot of all of us together.

Stan hands Ronaldo a disposable camera.

Dipper: Alright, Ronaldo put the camcorder inside, I don't want it broken or stolen again.

Ronaldo sets the camcorder on a table inside. We can see Nanafua, a small old dark-skinned lady with large round glasses and grey hair, She is wearing a teal sweater and pink scarf; Sitting on a tall stool. She lays a fish out on the counter.

Stan (Outside): Alright , you Pizzas stand here. Dipper, Mabel, you two stand in front of Kiki and Jenny. I'm going to stand next to Kofi here. And.. take the shot!

A camera's shutter can be heard as the sound of dozens of water balloons bursting can be heard from the outside. Nanafua looks around then climbs down, still holding on to the fish as she walks around the counter. Immediately, she pauses and drops the fish, a look of shock covers her face.

Voices can be heard talking from outside.

Kiki ,Kofi and Jenny: My hair!

Mabel: Friendly Fire!

Lapis: I'm so Sorry!

Connie: Sorry, We were aiming for Mabel!

Mabel: You're going down _, you crusty tart_!

The Dipper and the Pizza's run back inside and around the counter covering there heads. Their heads are completely drenched by water. NanaFua grits her teeth.

Nanafua: Kofi! BROOM!

Caught off guard by Nana's shout, Kofi looks around in a panic for a broom. He finds one, and then throws it to her. NanaFua catches it with one hand, and charges outside screaming .

Jenny's hair is completely weighed down by the water. She takes a washcloth and vigorously dries off her hair.

Nanafua: YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND HERE AFTER ALL THIS TIME? YOU FILITHY, ROUND NOSED, BIG EARED, SIX FINGERED RODENT!

Stan: OW OW OW! Gunga! Please, you don't understand!

In the Background Kiki and Kofi remove their hair protection, Their long hair dripping with water as they start to wring their hair out over the dish-sink. As the three workers finish drying, A tuft of hair can be seen poking out of the back of each of their heads. In the foreground Dipper removes his dripping hat, revealing his tuft of hair. It's the exact same shape as the tufts on the head of the three black Restaurant workers. He picks up the camera as he mutteres to himself.

Dipper: Dang it Mabel….

NanaFua(outside): I tracked you down, sent you dozens of letters! And don't even bother to send me as much as a phone call?! And Now, After all of these years, you cast your shadow on my doorstep. You four eyed Goblin!

Stan: Please, I'm not what I seem!

Stan Runs inside and grabs Dipper. The camera shakes a Nanafua keeps up the chase. She takes random swings as she runs knocking pots and glasses off the kitchen's counters.

Dipper : WAAA!

A familiar voice: waawa awaaawwawaa Awaw waawwwawa!

Jump Cut to Yellowtail, Onion, and Stan sitting in a boat cabin. The wall is covered by a large Yellow Flag with a sarcophagus head. with two little stars are nestled net to the head; all of which is above a Blue Crescent printed upon it. Stan is seen giving Yellowtail money. Stan stops. Yellowtail then curls his other hand, gesturing for more.

Stan: Oh come on! I know I owe ya for saving me, but you left me high and dry back in Columbia! I know you were still young, But, I did hard time for that!

Yellowtail: wa wa wawawa wawaw awawawa.

Stan: The Aqua Mexican Coast Guard? yeesh I had no idea. Here take it.

Stan gives him the rest of the cash.

Dipper: You know this guy? You can understand this Guy!?

Stan: Yeah, I used to work as loader down here during the 60s. Back then this was just a little port town. Ships from all over world would dock into this port. Ireland, Portugal, Constantinople, Aqua Mexico, South Africa, Brazil, _**Ghana**_ , Spain, France, all over. Heck, sometimes ships would make offers for us to join as deckhands, It was Great Money! As for understanding Yellowtail…It takes a while. Heck, I can barely understand him, and I've known him since he was his own kids age.

Stan points to Onion.

Dipper: So that's why you knew about the money..

Stan: Yup, it also How I got this _GUN SHOW!_

Stan starts flexing his chest and arm as buttons pop off the lower half of his Hawaiian shirt, revealing his paunch..

Me, this Young mackerel, and few others, we used to go around and grift visiting sailors out of their money. At the end of the season, we'd split up, the cash and goods and go our separate ways.

Dipper: How did you do that?

Stan: Sheesh, Do have to spell it out for you? Gambling, drinking, and of course..

Yellowtail:WAA WAWAWWA WAWWA AWWA AWAW WAAWAWAWA!

Yellowtail puts his hands over onion's ears.

Stan: Right, something more child friendly….Oh There used to be this cat that would walk around the docks and take things. Not just fish either. Sticks, baubles, masks, you name it! It was strong as heck too, I swear it would even haul away things at least twice as big as itself. Always knocking things over and break into things, trying to get to its next wasn't our stuff so we didn't care. Stuff would get broken on the docks all the time! If a Dock manager ever threw a fit about it We'd just blame it on that cat, We had a name for it.. What was it…it was either _Panther_ or _Puma_.

Yellowtail:Wa WaWa.

Stan: _The Goblin!_ That's right _!_ That thing used to pal around with us all the time, I think I wanted to call it _Puma_ , and this other guy wanted to call it _Panther. We'd actually get into fight's over it._

Stan Shakes his head

Stan: Anyway, It would break things so often; that if anybody ever said that the Goblin did it, Everyone would stop trying to figure out what happened and just fix what was broke!

Yellowtail: Wa wa wa wa wawa wa wa wa.

Stan: If one of us ever broke something we'd use it as a get out of jail free card. Yellowtail used it a lot.

Dipper: So the Beach City Goblin….

Stan: Was just an excuse for mistakes and mischief., finding it's origin in a cat.

Jump Cut to the boats prow . Dipper is sitting on the boats Prow Facing the Camera. The Beach City's shoreline fill the entire background.

Dipper: I can say conclusively, That there is actually no Beach City Goblin. I would even go as far as to say, that there is nothing Supernatural occurring in Beach City.

Soos can be seen running across the beach as Jasper gives chase. Both her arms are wide open. Her lips are pursed

Dipper: What can I say, sometimes Investigations are fruitless.

Pearl, Blendin, and Lapis can be seen running away from an extremely tall, light brown skinned, Four armed Humanoid. Holding a Massive cooler filled with water balloons in one arm, The other three arms are pelting the fleers with balloons at an insane speed.

It wears a three piece outfit consisting of a pink top and bottom, both each with an orange star, and purple wrap with green trim around it's middle. It's Incredibly curly long hair flies behind it while it gives chase. A small tuft of hair rests on the top of the back of its head.

Dipper: I'm heading back in the cabin.

Dipper Walks off Camera.

Suddenly, Sugilite, A gigantic Purple , four armed humanoid, Wearing Elongated Sunglasses is thrown into screen. A large, red ,gnome shaped Giant tackles her and starts pummeling her, Sugilite punches a hole in its chest, Little Bits explode out the red giant's back. The little bits run back to the giant and refill the hole. Sugalite tries to then tackle it, but the Giant Red Gnome grabs her midair. The Giant then leads her into a suplex.

* * *

Caesar: 3 steps back.

The Goblin is just a scapegoat for unknown problems.

When the Moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pine. Was that Amore?

Must words be spoken?

How many different types of Mackerel can there be anyway?

Book One will update next. Next Entry in Book 2: Mabel's Scrapbook. Beach City Vacay: a tale from the other side, NO DIP!


	9. Hand Witch's Stitches

A Weird thought popped into my head. This one will be pretty short.

It might be Funny, but is probably just stupid.

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* * *

Hand Witche's Stitches

Soos's hands cover his crotch as he runs around in the Crystal Gem's beach house frantically, looking for something . He comes to a stop, quickly turning his head. Dipper and Amethyst are sitting on a white L shaped couch playing dominoes. Steven and Mabel are in the middle of the large room , also playing dominoes. Amethyst rests her arm on a large golden belt buckle sitting in her lap. Dipper strokes his chin, contemplating his next move.

"Where's the bathroom around here!? I have to pee; Dudes!" Soos yells.

"Its there." Steven says.

"Where I can't see ?!" Soos tone becoming more panicked.

"There! Diagonally!" Mabel said as she finishes setting up a diagonal line of dominoes.

"I still can't find it, Dude!"

"You really shouldn't have accepted Amethyst's challenge to a sea water drinking contest." Dipper says .

"Number 1 CHAMP!" Amethyst declares as she hoists the Golden belt in the air. She then slams a domino on the table.

"My head said NO; Yet my heart said GO." Soos muses. "Aw man speaking of which…"

"Just GO in the sink. It all winds up in the same place anyway." Amethyst says as Dipper places his last piece on the board.

"I win." Dipper declares. A look of shock covers her face. She slams the table, causing the dominoes Mabel and Steven where setting up to fall over; forming the shape of an incomplete star. Soos runs into the kitchen and turns on the facet.

"Ahh!" Soos and Mabel say at the same time, in different tones.

"Amethyst, I wasn't finished with the setup yet!" Steven complained while the faucet continues to run.

"Just knock the pieces over, It's the only thing you wanted to see anyway." Amethyst bluntly stated. Dipper takes the belt from her.

"Now I'm normally not one to gloat, but YEEEAH! Number 1 CHAMP!" Dipper begins to smile.

"NOOHOOHOOHO! Not the set! I don't want to break it up!" She whines

"Ahh that's better. Is...is it really okay that I just did that?" Soos asks looking over to .

"Yeah, just make sure you tell Pearl." Amethyst snickers coyly.

Mabel looks over to Amethyst " You can't just jump to the part you want to without finishing the SET.."

* * *

"..UP here is where the expert I told you about lives." Mabel says talking out loud to the group

Garnet, Steven, and Mabel are walking along the craggy pass of Hand Witch mountain. A pink bubble floats along side Garnet and Steven holding a few dozen different colored Gem shards.

"I still can't believe you convinced Garnet to bring all of these Gem pieces to this Hand expert of yours." Steven say looking to Maybel.

"The key was to craft a convincing argument,,, Mabel said

Garnet remembers back to earlier at the Beach House.

Mabel is holding a detached Gem Arm in her hands as she looks up to Garnet. Soos walks up to Pearl, and adresses her. Dipper is seen reading a copy of Unfamiliar Familiar in the background.

"CanWeTakeThemToMyExpert?" Mabel says to Garnet.

"No." Garnet Replies

"CanWeTakeThemToMyExpert?" Mabel says to Garnet.

"No." Garnet Replies

"CanWeTakeThemToMyExpert?" Mabel says to Garnet.

"No." Garnet Replies

"Do you really think you're going to win this argument?" Dipper says as he as he reads.

"I've got the time." Garnet responds.

"I've got the WILL!" Mabel retorts.

"…"

"Pearl, I peed your sink "

"What? Is that some kind idiom?"

"Nope." Amethyst chimes.

"…" Pearl Shudders. Then Begins Scream

The group arrive at the entrance of Hand Witch cave. The creepy vibe of the dank green cave walls is offset by the by the bright pinkish-purple Curtains strung all around them. When they take their first steps into the cave, the sound of scurrying can be heard off in the distance. Walking through the dank air, they come across a severed green hand laying in the middle of their path.

"What a poor... " Garnet begins, when the hand rises on it's fingertips and scurries away.

"Abomination! Steven get behind me!" Garnet pulls Steven behind her. This shock causes the bubble he was carrying to pop. The Gem shards scatter onto the ground. Then, One of the blue colored shards begins to glow transforming themselves into an arm. It begins to crawl around on it's finger tips as the arms starts thrashing around in the dirt. It drags itself deeper into the cave.

Several green human hands crawl forward approaching the arm they touch fingers. The Gem arm immediately flexes back. It swings at the nimble fingered figures, knocking the hands away. The human hands crash against the walls landing with an audible smack.

"Who do we have here?" an old haggard woman with a crooked nosed woman wearing a brown shawl approaches. Her covering has a beige trim and two separate images of dark brown hands with extremely long fingers on each of her shoulders and stretch to the middle of her torso. She approaches the Gem arm. Dozens of hands crawl behind her. She bends over it and stares down at Gem arm. It hits her across the face. Ten hands run from behind the old crone. They swarm the arm, and hold it down.

"Oh you poor thing; dirty, lonely, and being controlled by such a heavy burden. Here let me help you!" The Hand Witch extends her long bony fingers forward trying to touch the restrained hand, Her eyes glow as she touches the smooth blue feminine Gem arm. The hand separates from the rest of it, causing the rest of the arm to disappear. The Gem hand crawls up to the hand witches arm.

"You feeling better? You're such a pretty thing. How about we wash you up and get you acquainted with everybody. " She coos softly as she runs her bony fingers across the back of the hand.

"Awww she made friends with the it." Steven smiles.

She sets the hand down. Several other Green hands scurry up to the Gem hand, They touch each other, then scurry off together.

"Aww it made some friends!" Steven says smiling with star in his eyes.

The other shards begin to glow and warp, forming arms of varying color an sizes. They all begin to approach the old crone. The Gem arms begin to lurch forward, crawling towards the witch.

"Those arms will tear that old woman to shreds!" Garnet try to run forward but is stopped by Mabel

"Don't worry, She can HANDle it herself." Mabel spoke emphasizing the pun

Immediately, hundreds of hands burst from behind curtain and swarm in front of the elderly woman, The arms and hands clash in a heavy handed melee. A flurry punches and slaps, pokes and pinches. Though the arms keep slapping the hands away tossinf them in the air like rage doll's...hands, the raw numbers of the green human hands soon overwhelms them. The hands completely pin by the arms to the ground .

The Witch walks up to each Gem arm, disconnecting the hands. The Human hands release their Grip. Separated their arms, they all start crawl over the Old bird.

"Well hello new friends. Welcome to my Humble Cave, We like to have Fun here, Now it might be a little hard to _grasp_ at first but I'm sure you and _pickitup_ in no time."

The Hand Gems begin intermingling with the other hands. Eventually they start playing with each other making shadow puppets, finger painting, playing slap hand.

"Wow Your really good at giving a helping _hand!"_ Steven said emphasizing the pun. "

"Thank you, I always try to keep myself _handy_." Throwing another terrible pun into the conversation.

"Everyone this is the Hand Witch." Mabel introduces the old lady. "She doesn't like giving out her name to people."

"How can those human hands possibly be moving on their own?" Garnet asks approaching the Hand Witch.

The Gem Hands immediately crawl behind the Hand Witch to distance themselves.

"MAGIC!' Hand Witch retorts.

"That's an annoying answer isn't it?" Steven says with a smirk.

"How did you know that they wouldn't try to hurt you?" Garnet asks

"There is no such thing as a bad hand. Just bad heads. …speaking of which"

"Now, I'm not really fan of _pointing fingers_ but… WHAT DID YOU DO!? The second you approach these guys tense up." The Hand Witch points at Garnet.

Garnet remains silent.

"Maybe you need an opportunity to learn why to give hands the respect they deserve."

The Hand Witch lunges and grabs Garnet's hand as her eyes glow bright yellow. Garnet immediately defuses into half of Ruby and half of Sapphire. They immediately fall over appearing as if they were buried on their side. They panic as they each frantically wave their single hand and arm in the air. Flopping around on the ground like a pair of fish out of water.

"Garnet!" Steven yells in concern.

"Don't Worry I have an Expert that, can will get them back together in no time!."

 **Later at the Mystery Shack!**

"It was a little touch and go for a moment, but the operation is a Success!" Candy Chiu says as she Removes her mask.

Candy Chiu is A twelve year old Korean girl with glasses is wearing a green sweater and a surgeon's mask. She is standing next to a tall object covered in white blanket.

She removes the blanket revealing that the two halves Ruby and Sapphire have been glued together. Both of their half faces have a look of pure discomfort. Grenda a Large young girl wearing a Pink shirt is holding them from behind.,

"I HAVE TO KEEP THE PRESSURE ON OR THEY WON'T SET RIGHT!." Grenda said in her inside voice.

"You can let go now, Grenda." Candy insists.

"I CAN'T I'M STUCK!" Grenda say unable to remove herself from the glued together Aberration.

"That's not what Garnet looks like, She supposed to be the embodiment of Ruby and Saphire's love for each other!" Steven says

"I don't know what that looks like." Candy responds with a one note voice. Two Gem Arms appear from behind her back.

"Candy did you glue those arms to yourself?" Mabel ask her friend.

"I am more then human!" Candy cheers as both Gem arms and her own are thrown into the air

Sapphire stares forward in horror as Ruby and Candy start screaming at each other in Koean.

"I wonder how Dipper and Soos are holding up?" Mabel asks outloud

 **Meanwhile at the Beach House!**

Dipper is posing with the Golden Championship belt at the top of a set of stairs

"Number 1 CHAMP!" He Declares Holding the Belt above his head.

Soos is hunched over the Kitchen sink with a rag and scrub brush. Pearl stands in the middle of a large pile of cleaning supplies. Tapping her foot and grinding her teeth as she stares at Soos.

"Am I done scrubbing this thing yet?" Soos looks up to Pearl.

"No" Pearl responds flatly,

"Seriously, I've been washing and wiping this thing down now for about two hours straight. I can literally see my face in it."

Soos stares into her sink and sees his reflection like he's looking in the mirror.

"Your not done yet." Pearl Tone growing more annoyed.

"When will I be done?" Soos says

"When I'm satisfied!" Pearl yells outloud, This causes Dipper to slip and scream as he tumbles down the steps. Amethyst begins to giggle.

"Okay." Soos Says.

"AHAHAHAHA! Number 1 CHAMP!' Amethyst muses.

"Number 1 CHAMP."

* * *

Atbash.

Be happy I didn't flood this thing with hand puns.

I'm trying out a non script format for my comedy book, tell me if you think it works or if I should just stick with the Script format.

Had to get this one out of my head so I could focus. Going back to Book 1 next.


End file.
